i miss falling without fear. i miss running to run, i miss closing my eyes and thinking of somebody as i fall asleep. i miss the idea of love, i miss crying and listening to music because the feelings are just too overwhelming. i miss feeling beautiful because i had beautiful thoughts. i miss sleep. i miss happiness, i miss talking until 3 in the morning, i miss undiscovered books and movies and music, i miss being 16, i miss mistaking crushes for love. i miss being naive. i miss blue eyes and white smiles. i miss chlorine. i miss music, i miss my friends, i miss my headphones and i miss the feeling you get after reading all the harry potters for the first time. i miss surprise and suspense, joy and liveliness. i miss you. 

but i miss me, too.

i don't think i'll ever know just how you feel, behind those beautifully gentle brown eyes;

or see through them just as you see, this tender and starry night sky.

i'm sure i won't ever fully understand, and that's not what i'm here to imply

but im in love with getting to know you, 


and i'll spend my whole life to try.

I get physically ill when I think about you, you know. That's the truth, too. I get nauseous at the thought of you. And no I'm not just saying that to exaggerate my feelings, that is the absolute truth. And that was the first sign that whatever feelings I had towards you, whatever they were, they weren't good ones. I can see someone driving your same car on the road and it will destroy me when I look to see if it's you, because it never is. Love isn't always good, you know. Love can be extraordinary and wonderful, but that seems to be the contrary for the love I have for you. Love shouldn't make me feel this way. Of course, this isn't only love I'm feeling. I'm caught in a mess of desperation and lost hope. Dreams that I once had that I now know will never come true. That adds to the nausea, I'm sure. As well as the feeling of regret and betrayal. You lied to me. You lied to me about loving me and that was the worst thing you could have ever done. And you did it with no explanation. Assumptions add to this feeling, too. Because they're all I have left if you give no meaning to your actions. Expectations that you might wake me up at 3am with a text showing nothing but three bikini emoji's (because that was our text code for 'call asap') and when I call you answer and you say "come outside" so I do. And you're out there waiting for me in your car, crying of course. Begging for my forgiveness. The worst part of all of this, the part that makes me feel the sickness the most, is that I wouldn't even let you finish your sentence before I forgave you.

I guess that's what my love for you is. Disgusting and toxic, but everlasting.

- cal

I could handle you not liking me if you just stuck around.


Please don't stop being my friend. I don't want to ever stop getting to know you.

You were the axis I spun upon. The blood in my veins was pumping to the beat of your heart, the air in my lungs being pushed by your breath.
Broken is an understatement; I am not broken, but rather nonexistent. I am a shell with no purpose, a case for a soul that is lost. And I still need you with every atom in my body.
But you're gone. You're gone and you aren't coming back and I can't begin to figure out how I will cope with that.

I'm falling in love with my best friend, and I don't think she knows it yet

i love the idea that people are attracted to each other.

like, even if we dig our heels into the ground, we'll still keep gravitating towards each other, because something just pulls us. we'll always end up in the same spot, becase we're meant to be there. we're being irresistibly drawn together, like magnets.  

that is such a beautiful way to look at it.

i am so attracted to you.

I hate when people try to put on age limit on love. Like, when they see twelve year olds saying they love each other and say "They're too young to be in love, they don't even know what love is."

Who are you to say that?

When I was 5 years old, I was in love. I loved a boy so much that I used my "special" stamps just to write a letter to him saying how much I loved him and put it in his backpack to see. When we had to leave for summer vacation, I cried all the time because I didn't want to be apart from him. I loved him.
When I was in junior high, I met this boy. And he was shy and sweet and adorable. I never told him how much I loved him, either, because I didn't want to change our friendship. And he moved away, and I haven't talked to him since. But I loved him.

People can't put an age limit on love and say that you can't know what love is when you are 5, or 12, or 16. I think you can feel love at any age. Yes, the love you feel at 50 years old is a different love than what you'd feel at 5. Because at 5, you only know 5 years worth, and at 50, you know 50 years worth. Your love when you're younger might not be as mature,

but does that make it any less real?


I have trust issues. He knew about them.

I was the one who confessed first, however. I took a leap of faith, telling myself that if I fail I would lock myself away for a long time. I honestly thought it wouldn't lead anywhere.

He said he felt the same.

I asked him a little after we first started dating if he would have ever confessed his feelings to me.

He said he wouldn't. I didn't ask why.

I asked him today.

"I asked once if you were going to ever tell me about your feelings if I hadn't confessed to you first and you said you wouldn't have. Why is that?"

He responded with this.

"Because I need you to trust me. You had lost that ability, and I wanted you to be able to trust people again. If I had admitted my love first... You wouldn't have been able to make that leap, and be caught."

"That hit somewhere hard."

"The thing about love... is it's also about care. And I care for you. And I want you to be able to trust people again... So you can live a better life because of it."



Guys I love him. I love him so much.

I'm convinced this site is magical. 

How else can you leaving a note at my door that says "I like you too," be explained.

I posted a letter here and magic happened.