I can still get a chemical reaction by imagining holding you close and looking into your eyes lovingly. Literally get a hit of oxytocin or whatever just from doing that. Should stop doing it if I wanna get over you but a big part of me doesn't. It's madness.

It's like, when I saw you, I saw beyond your physical appearance. With everyone else it's just that, their physical appearance, nothing more. And that's partly what fucked me up. I still can't describe it. It's like looking into something without intending to.

I never told you how intimidating it was to be near you.

We would be having lunch together, then going out for a walk in nature, visiting a waterfall. Taking a nap during the afternoon, hanging out at night. Watch the rain falling outside as we embrace. Make out, sleep. Then, I'd wake up in your arms.


But, you're not here.

idk how to explain it, but i think our souls are chained to the lamppost in the parking lot. it's always sunset there.

How many men have you left such an impression on? How many simp for you? I mean c'mon, no one gets up after that, goes back to their space, their beer, and just figures "Well that was neat".

It's risky to spend any bit of time with you because then whoever does can't help but fall for you. And it'd be impossible to forget you.

It really is impossible to forget you.

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind today.

I know you will probably find this weird or whatever but I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I can't really explain it and I don't know if it's real but it's how I feel. I don't need you to say it or feel it back. I don't need anything from you but I'd like it if we could figure out a way for us to be in touch without hurting or upsetting each other, and that might be something that takes practice and time. But I also understand if you don't want to be in touch anymore also. I just want you to know that I love you because I worry about you feeling lonely and I want you to know that I care about you, even if I don't always act like it, and that you're never really alone. I really miss you. 

There's always that wonderful little spark that lights up when you feel this, very distinct connection with somebody. It's the one where you go, "Oh. This is different."

I've been trying to message you still, but I have to be honest and admit I was scared of coming here, scared of admitting I still haven't moved on when you have.

That's okay, I tell myself I'll be alright eventually, I have so many other things in life. I'm trying to heal, I went back to the gym, I'm back to working on projects I love and trying to figure out what to do next in life.

All pride aside though, I still love you and I miss you so much it hurts. I don't know how exactly it all went wrong, but I wish we'd work it out. I just want us, is that stupid? Maybe. Despite everything it's still you, it will always be.

I don't know where to go next, but if I don't have you I still have myself, and even though I'm a work in progress, right now I'm good enough for me :)

i wish i hadn't been so afraid to ask you more. to know you more. to love you more. but i also wish you hadn't broken my heart so many times. it made it so hard to trust you. to open up to you. even when i thought i could get over it. even when i thought i could convince myself it was okay. i guess in the end, it wasn't. and i guess in the end, you still chose to walk away despite everything i gave you. all the love i showed you. and the way i let you back into my life without any real consequences.

why did it have to be this way? i don't think there will ever really be an answer to that question. but it still comes to mind.. because i really wanted you to be my person. and i wanted to be your person. but this past and history we have between us. the way you are. and the way i am. those are things that haven't really changed. so for now, and maybe forever, it won't be you. i can't let you destroy me like that again.

I want to let go but I don't want to let go because I miss you and your presence but also I'm so tired of missing you that sometimes I wish my distractions could be caused by someone or something else, but no matter what new and happy memories I make with people that don't include you, it's always you I'd wish I'd be with anyways