My friend's little sister just started college this fall. I was at their house today and a handful of her friends were over including a guy in her class I had gotten to know over the past few months. He is genuinely kind, puts others first, and for an 18 years old really has his life together. I don't know him well, but I can tell he values the important things. Everytime I am over there so is he. Today, as my friend's little sister asked him to move his car while looking out the window, I saw it. The look of a guy who deserves it all but will never ask for more. She was wearing workout leggings, a baggy shirt, and smudgy mascara. As she gazed out the window at another guy, his eyes scanned up her body, starting at her barefeet. Not the hungry-eyed gaze, but the gaze of someone admiring a Degas or Renoir, considering the entire picture, while appreciating every brushstroke. It lasted less than five seconds, but the last three involved the adoration of her eyes. And that's when it hit me: love happens everyday, and perhaps most of the time, we never even notice. 

I'm not even in love with someone and that's it. it's horrible if you don't really know what this thing called "love" is and everyone secretely seems to desire. everywhere are these couples - giggling, talking, touching and loving each other in the tv, in the park, in the cinema, just everywhere. 

they say "love is all you need" or "you'll find the one", but is this the truth? what if i'll never find this special person? am i gonna die depressed, unhappy and unloved? 

no, i won't. i don't know what it really is. it's kinda transient, precious and so destructive, but there is no definition of love. your fluffy pet loves you, your weird but cool friends love and appreciate you, your overprotective parents and annoying siblings love you and maybe the shy cashier of the little supermarket, where you buy your favourite cookies and you don't even know it. don't ever dare to think that no one loves you, just because your crush doesn't. you're beautiful and appreciated.

just keep on living, having fun, hoping, dancing, reading these beautiful letters, getting drunk, remaining silent and screaming at the top of your lungs and being the person, who is loved and will truly love some day.

this isn't a letter to a crush. this is a letter to everyone, who has a crush and feels the same way as i do. 

- a


   The thing about never dating anyone is knowing love.

They all talk about their boyfriends and I sit and smile gently and listen and laugh and give advice.  Their hearts are wrapped into a relationship, and sitting from the outside I can see the flaws and I can see the need for the physical instead of true love.

I know love.  I know that most of the time love is self-sacrificing, laying down my need to speak to simply listen to someone else's problems or joys in life.

I know that often time love is asking someone else about their life, even though at first you don't want to hear about their's all you care about is yours. 

I know what is like to see someone that you love so much brush you off or be in love with someone.  I know what it is like to listen to their blushing stories and encourage them with nods.

But, I've also seen the outcome of all this stuff.  

I remember the night I was shaking in unspoken fear and trying to breathe.  I remember my text saying, "Please, I need to talk to someone."

He answered, "I'm here." 

I could breathe again.  I fell asleep thanking God for him.

I remember the night that I saw the high winds and storms and I didn't want to drive home.

"I don't want you driving home like that," she said. "C'mon, I'll take you home."

We got home, her car almost swerving off the road a few times.  She played ironic upbeat music and I tried breathe.

I thanked God for her.

I remember when my grandpa died.  I wished for him, but she showed and held me while I let out all my grief. 

I thanked God that someone cared.

So, maybe I've never been in a serious relationship.

But that doesn't mean I don't know what true love is.

I wanna hear how your sleepy voice sounds like over the phone.

I wanna know how it feels like when we hold hands.

I wanna be the cause of your smile.

I wanna feel your body warmth when we hug or cuddle.

I wanna listen to your low, sexy voice speaking closely to my ear.


But I can't do all of these wonderful things with you because you love someone else while my love for you will forever be unrequited.

People are not pandora box. Or Maze. If they interested in you, they will do something. And if they don't, probably they have something in their mind. Or maybe they're not ready. Or maybe they have someone else. Or maybe they just don't interested in you. Or maybe because they have no idea that you exist in their life.
People are not pandora box but they will if you let the idea get a hold on your head.

It's been more than 3 years since I last visited this site.

She became more than just a crush.

She became my life.

she wore her glasses today and she looked so beautiful, i can't explain it. she just has these really thoughtful looking eyes... and the most wonderful smile. 

At first, I had trouble dating a girl who was recovering from an eating disorder. I couldn’t get by the fact that I may not ever be able to treat her to a nice dinner because she simply could not go out. I hated sitting by and watching her as she ignored the compliments I gave her and constantly commented on how she wished to look like “that girl”, or “her over there”. And it used to bother me that there were so many things she just couldn’t eat.
Then I realized that eating out wasn’t important in a relationship like ours. What was important was our meals together at home, and how I knew exactly what to make her every night. How we sat together at the beginning of each week and spent at most an hour at a time planning the meals we would share. How appreciative she looked when I refused to sit in silence at the table to keep her from focusing on the calories that entered her body. 
I almost enjoyed that I knew exactly what she couldn’t eat, and I soon got past the fact that we might not ever be able to order pizza from domino’s on a Friday night while we watched Harry Potter in the living room. All I cared about eventually was helping her, and that was what a relationship should be like.
I loved her so much that I could stand the nights where she stood in front of the mirror and cried, and it would tear my heart to pieces when she would ask me why I could ever love someone that looked like her. I would hold her, I wouldn’t tell her she was beautiful more than once or twice, and that was all. I trusted her and she I enough that we could sit together every night and she could tell me whether or not she had thrown up her lunch, even if I already knew because I was so scared that I watched her after every meal. Even if I knew, though, I never stopped her, because they were her battles, and I knew that no matter how much it hurt, me fighting them for her wouldn’t help.
Soon enough though, I saw that she became more confident. Her trips to the restroom following meals became fewer until I could relax, knowing that there was a good chance she was safe. There were less times when she looked at the mirror and pinched fat that was actually only skin. Finally, she asked me to take her out for dinner. Finally, we ordered domino’s on a Friday night and watched Harry Potter.

And that my friends, that’s what love is.


I think the most magical thing in the world is typing a letter to a crush, sending it...and then simultaeously having two or three new letters pop up with your freshly sent letter.

In that exact moment, someone else felt compelled to type about love, rejection, healing, or simply words with meaning. And they are sitting half way across the world feeling just like you. Maybe they're sitting with a cup of hot tea and the sunrise. But it's just a beautiful thought.

We are NEVER alone.

In the parking lot, he asked us who he was following to the party. 

Like I remembered him, dark hair all over the place and a ridiculous green visor jammed crookedly on his head.

Eyes scrunched up as he laughed. 

Cold air rushing out of his mouth like a smoke tendril.

He looked at me with deep brown eyes, and for a second there I thought I saw a flicker of recognition.

I smiled.

Here's hoping it reminded him of another cold night, when I was the girl making him laugh the most.