Yes, I am going to see you today, and yes, I absolutely am counting down the hours until I get ready, but I wish I could ask for your number. We aren't really even friends, but you're just so awesome that I just feel so silly next to you.

You're tall and have the beautiful hair I've always wanted, and you make me laugh with your silly sounds. You make me smile when you walk in late, wearing a hoodie and shorts as you always do, and I can't help waving a hello.

You're only a year older than me, but you're the best mount of mature, and I love that part of you.

And I miss you everyday I can't see you.

Hey -

We are standing on the precipice of something. It could be a relationship, or it could be the thing that keeps us up at night in 15 years, wondering "What if...?" And I want you to know that I'm not hesitant because of you. Never you. You are kind, hard working, empathetic, funny, and just good. I've seen you 3 times in the past year and I've managed to fall for you in those far too short 24-hour periods.

I'm hesitant because of me. I didn't like who I was in my last relationship. I gave so much and lost who I was and what I wanted. But you deserve me - all of me. Everything I am and everything I want. You should get all of that. So I hope that you don't mind waiting. Because I know I want you. But I also want me. I could never ask you to hold yourself back... But I'll be ecstatic if I find you at base camp after I summit this last, huge mountain. I love you.

Wait for me?

I wish we would have had the chance to love each other's hurts, insecurities, fears, confusions, doubts, misunderstandings and miscommunications away.

I didn't want to be your friend which is why I kept away from you.

I wanted to fight for you so much but the truth of the fact you chose someone else had beaten me down and defeated me so badly that I didn't want to ruin a happy relationship with the woman you were with.

I love you more than you would ever know.

Despite having been on the brink of deaths door a few months ago that truth is one I can truly face and admit to myself and to you.

I love you too much to a point of no return. And that scares me too

Please forgive me for making you doubt that I loved you and still love you. Forgive me for my faults and failings that played the part in us not being together. Forgive me for making you feel less than the one I loved and treasured.

if anything is meant to happen with us, it will need to be you who reaches out. It will need to be you that makes the first move. And it’s not (totally) because I’m a coward.

It’s because I don’t want to make you feel like you need to do anything you don’t already want to do. I’m scared of rejection, but I’m more scared of making you feel guilt or anger or confusion or even fear. You already feel so much; that’s just a part of you. so, please, if you ever decide to do something, do it when you’re ready. I’ll still be here. Always.


“It takes all of my courage to look at you. It takes all of me to look at you when I know you wish I wasn't standing here, right in front you. It takes all of my courage to smile when you talk as though I'm not even there, all of my courage to act as though I'm not breaking inside. It emotionally drains me when I see the hurt in your eyes, takes all of me, when you behave as though our eye contact cuts you like a dagger. You know I didn't mean for this to happen.

It takes all of me, when I realize that you blame me. You blame me for your pain. And it hurts, because I let you, I let you blame me, I let you walk by as though I don't exist, I let your eye glaze over like you're tired of seeing me. It takes all of me to take the blame- you think I was in the wrong. It takes all of me to pity you, to think that perhaps you are right- maybe I am to blame...but deep down I know it was both of us. I didn't mean for this to happen.

It takes all of me to push that aside; to push aside the fact that you threw me away like I was last week's trash, the fact that you didn't even try, the fact that it was so easy for you to let me go, the fact that it was so effortless for you to pretend I'm not even here- as though we've never spoken before. 

It takes all of me to look you in the eye again despite all the wrong you've done me. It takes all of me to see the good in you, because I want so bad for you to see the good in me. It takes all of me to even consider you. It takes all of me to want you. 

It takes all of me to act like it doesn't take all of me, and it takes all of me to give you what you don't deserve. 

You know I never meant for this to happen.”

Originally posted on July 17, 2015

I don't know whether anyone has ever loved you, and it would be uncharitable of me to assume. I know that it's been years, at the very least. I know that you don't think anyone should or ever will.

It feels like a great injustice that it's me who does now.

You deserve someone to ease your woes, to hold you close, to show you how brilliant they think you are. Someone to stroke your hair and kiss you gently on the collarbone; to bump shoulders with you on the sofa while watching shit TV; to listen when things are terrible, to get angry along with you, and to bring you breakfast in bed on the days when you can't get out. There's a part of my heart that wants to be that someone, because you're one of the best people I've ever known.

but I'm already with the single best person I've ever known, and my whole heart wants all of those things for them, too.

You haven't asked me to be your someone, and I'd say no if you did. I can't ever tell you just how wonderful I think you are, and I just wish that someone else would feel it instead.


it’s been so long since I wanted anything, but I want you. I‘m writing poems and stealing glances and daydreaming and god, I can’t think straight. I can’t think about anything else.

I’m glad I got to see you smile at me today. please smile at me again tomorrow. again and again and again. I wish I had you



I instinctively travelled to our designated meeting place today, hoping that somehow I'd see your face full of joy sitting atop the log next to the stream once more. I longed to see that smile one more time, eyes sparkling full of life. You always shined so brightly and radiated intelligence just by sitting still. You complained that the insects were always out to get you, but I like to think of them as living beings that are just as attracted to your energy as I am. In our short time together, I learned so much about you. I learned of your love for nature and how it's stronger than your love for yourself. I learned how you don't travel without a purpose, but to find yourself and help those around you find themselves.

I still wish you had stayed. I wish you could have sat there with me for eternity. I would have watched a billion sunsets with you and never get tired. I could watch you prancing around with the glow of the fireflies surrounding you forever. Our place will forever be our place in my heart. I don't know where you are now, but I hope that you found true happiness wherever else it is. If one day we reunite, I'll thank the universe for everything leading up to that moment and the moment itself. You are the most beautiful human being on the earth, both inside and out.

Is love a feeling, an act, an idea or all of those things and more?

I don't know if love is always objective, I think people have different expectations of what love is. What I fear is that when one person thinks of love as a feeling and the other as an act (or sequence of acts beyond the feeling), that there may be a miscommunication.

Which is where disappointment and distrust set in. I trust you, I care for you, I can't stop thinking about you.

I think of you before I go to sleep, and you are the first THING I think of in the morning, whenever I dream - its about you. But, I think that's a feeling. Can I declare that I love you simply because I can't stop thinking of you, and I want you on SO MANY levels?

Personally, I believe love is something to be acted upon, and shown. Can I show you, can I put my love to the test?


Last night, I typed in my old pen name and read all the letters I wrote in that second half of high school. It was eye opening, for one.

I found the letters I’d written about you. Some, I still remembered. Other memories exist solely in my mind, never given the courtesy of ink. Like when you waited for me after I held the door open for half the school.

I can’t believe it’s been 7 years since then.

I can’t believe you only made it for 6 of them.

Today, I went by your grave. I hadn’t been by since before I left the state, since before the storm. Even then, I didn‘t get to see your gravestone. I knew I had to go once I came back. I’m sorry it took me so long.

Selfishly, I wish I could publicly grieve. But they were piranhas last year, circling in the days after your death, waiting for me to say something. Waiting to pounce, and gleefully argue, “How dare you mourn him? How dare you express any sadness at his passing, when you so callously broke his heart 6 years ago?!” I know how to keep my silence.

It is true. I won’t lie. When you and I were together 7 years ago, I cheated on you. I could argue that I was 18 and we all make mistakes at that age, but I don’t want to. I’d like to take full responsibility for my actions. For breaking your heart. I suffered for it, if you were wondering. On top of the remorse, I lost nearly all my friends. I can only wonder how my life would have turned out if even one of them had treated me with grace.

It’ll be a year in 12 days. I argue with Him sometimes, asking him how on earth this was fair. Other times I thank Him for allowing your mother to be by your side those final days in the hospital.

All I have to remember you by are the letters, a yearbook entry, 2 pictures and a New York Yankees baseball hat. I saw that they put a Lakers logo on your headstone. I wish they had put a Spurs one too. You were so proud to be from San Antonio.

I can (and will) recite mea culpa to myself in those silent moments. I’ve been doing it for years. I will never stop punishing myself. You deserved better, so much better than me. 

Wherever you are, I know you’re smiling. 

I love you. And I am eternally remorseful.