One day, you told me
"If we get married to each other one day, I'll show you the diary entry from the day we met."
Two months later, you cried on Skype saying that
"This isn't going to work.. I know, something's there, I know it.. but the feelings aren't the same.."
Although you earlier had told me you hadn't cried for years, there you were. Crying. Weeping. And I wept. Lost my entire sparkle for life. The fact that we'd been through a long distance relationship and therefore wouldn't happen to cross ways didn't make it better either. It rather made it painfully empty inside, and outside.
Time went by, and I came to realization about how destructive our relationship had been. We'd both tried too hard. From being too far away from each other in three months, these two strangers spent a weekend together without leaving each other's side; trying to make the most of the time available for this time. And at the same time I was fighting with my past. It was devastatingly hard to open up to you at the same time as my own expectations reached the ceiling. I was terrified, terrified of the thought that my imperfections would make you leave my side... and all of this surfaced within my mind as you were gone.
"How's it going?"
Three months after that Skype conversation, you'd sent me a message. At first it felt as if my heart had stopped. But, as we started talking to each other, it just flowed; just like it always had been. Hours and hours of never ending conversation topics. one week after I'd gotten back to town from my uni semester, we met each other again. As friends. But the moment you hugged me with one arm instead of two, all these emotions just overflowed inside my body and head. Your smell, I'd missed it so much. Having you closed. I wanted to cry.
After meeting up several times I also came to the realisation that you still were the same person to me. It would be devastating to see you fall for someone else. As we sat next to each other, you asked me if there was anything in particular I wanted you to do.
although your words later kept my up at night. I couldn't take this. I just wanted you to hold me, embrace me. Anything, just anything. At the same as I was deeply terrified.
"So you'll stay over at my place?"
"In my bed or on that air mattress?"
".. in your bed"
As you'd turned around to grab some blankets, my arms couldn't help it; the embraced you from behind.
"I miss you, I miss you so much that I can't bear it.."
Tears started to roll down my cheeks. The smell from your back was just too much. You turned around and kissed me on my forehead.
"I miss you too... I really know something's there... I'm just so terrified I'll hurt you again. I mean, something may develop, but what if it doesn't.."
"Then I'm ready for it. If it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, it doesn't. You never know unless you try. I want to try"
It was as though this terrified little girl had grown up. I didn't care if it would hurt or not, all I knew was that letting this opportunity go would result in a lifetime of regret. If it happens, It happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
"Let's not try. Just, let's allow our relationship to grow on its own. Then we'll see"
From that night, four months have passed. I've started my master course in anthropology at the university in the city we both come from. We live three stations from each other. You've introduced me to your parents. You've seen me experiencing my worst anxiety attack and at the same time held me tight. I've taken care of you when work has been too rough. You've kissed all of my body, determined to show me that I'm beautiful inside and out.
We're not trying anymore. We are.
I'm the kind of fool who misses the bus in the hopes of seeing you walk past the bus stop.
be gentle to those with crushes on you. the strangers that interrupt you and try to flirt with you while you're reading your favorite book in the quad. the boy in your bio class who blushes a little when he sees you. the guy from high school who sends you Facebook messages from time to time, but whom you've ever only seen as a friend.
remember how it feels to be on that one-way street, and the heartache that comes with being ignored and unacknowledged. how it feels to pine for someone and look for signs in the way they look at you.
you don't owe them anything, but they have tossed their beating hearts in your hands anyway, and it is up to you to set them down gently.
i'm a big fan of the way you stutter and giggle when i ask you questions you're not expecting
i'm in a book store today and i'm reading a book about broken hearts & it's very quiet and i'm in a sad mood. but then a boy came up to me with a book just like mine and told me everything will be okay and that i will be loved one day . little does he know that he's the boy i love .
you're best friend
I found a girl (who identifies as they/them) extremely attractive today. Like incredibly. To the point I pictured myself being with them. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling feelings I never thought I'd feel. I like guys, I've only ever liked guys..
but this one person is making me question everything.
Everyone always talks about that spark that they feel when they brush their hand against his, or lightly graze their finger against the back of her arm.
I always thought it was made up, and that somebody just said there was a feeling because they wanted there to be something to remember that first touch by. Until today, I was calling bullshit on the whole notion of "the spark".
But then I felt it. And now my heart is smiling.
You know when you meet that person that simply by looking them in the eyes you feel immediately connected? Not by the way they look nor by how attractive they are but because you can deeply connect to who they are as a person and what they've been trough.
All that, just by looking at their eyes.