if it's not meant to be why do I still feel like this?

You looked like you felt it but you never said it. So I was unsure of what it was as well...

in the middle of this pandemic, i wonder about you more. in your corner of the world, i hope you're safe and healthy. i hope you're surrounded by your loved ones. take care and be well, and don't curse me for still caring for you.

I made the mistake of looking at your social media. It used to be fine. I'd see your pictures and smile. But just now, it made me want to cry. You have no idea how you've captured my heart, as cheesy as it sounds.

I hope you're happy. I really, truly do. You deserve it. I just miss you.

To be fair, I don’t think we’ll ever see each other again.

I think about you; do you think about me too?

you may or may not read this


but


i want to thank you for reminding me of the sweet things in life.

for a while there i truly forgot what butterflies felt like, grateful. 


silly maybe so, but certainly not any less meaningful. 


you are a gem

idk why i let little things get me so down 

i know that’s not how you meant it

but i can’t help feeling like this

this

i can’t even put into words

lump in my throat 

biting my tongue not to cry

a feeling that takes me back to every heartbreak

every rejection

every middle school he-doesn’t-like-you-back

every high school he-asked-someone-else-to-prom

every college he-took-someone-else-home-last-weekend

even though this is just a little thing

it feels just like the big things

that same lump

that same bite

that same hopelessness 

 

I had a vivid dream that we were living together in a nice cabin in the woods, with a garden and some animals and a beautiful river nearby. I remember you at peace in the afternoon sun, holding my hand to your chest and telling me you were happy. I woke up without saying a word and I cried about it.

You don't love me. You don't miss me. I would say I wish I didn't have that dream, but if I can't have the memory with you I'll take the dream instead.

i feel like i'm losing you