I pine, and I pine, and I pine

I wish I could send you a message that says “Hey, the only reason I’m not replying right away is because I don’t want you to think I’m desperate but don’t take that to mean I’m not interested. And I think you’re pretty cool so we should hangout sometime.“

I wish I could be that straightforward.

As much as I like you, my new measure is this:


Consistency.

Availability

Reliability

Responsiveness

Predictability


If you cannot show me these things appropriately to the admittedly very nebulous stage we are at, i have to call it quits. I'm sorry.


I really like you, I do. But I am an anxious ball of anxiety ridden past-wounds messiness and I can't put myself through the hell of someone who either can't or won't be these things, no matter the depth or sensitivity I see in your eyes.


Nameless Nobody

Hi,

You're probably wondering why am I here and why am I writing a letter for you in this page. I just want to say thank you for everything you've done for me. I know that the thank you's between us are normal knowing we both are so thankful to have each other but I want you to know that I mean it every time. You've been someone so special and so important to me. You've been the person I go to when I'm down and even if I'm not saying anything, you just know. I don't know how, but you just know. You always make sure that I'm okay and happy and smiling and you are just so precious. So so precious. You are one of the most beautiful things ever happened to me and I'm forever grateful that even if this won't last a lifetime, you will always be planted in my heart forever. I don't normally say these things to you because we both know why. There's this invincible line that we both can't cross. I want to thank you and show you how much you mean to me but I can't. You know if I can, i'll do the craziest things just to make you happy all the time. Just to make you feel loved and special all the time. Because you deserve them all. You deserve every good and perfect thing in this world because you are the epitome of them all.

Even though I won't be the right person to give them all to you, i'll be happily watching from afar knowing you are happy.

And i'll be okay with that. I'll be okay because even if it will hurt me unimaginably, at least I know you are happy. At least I know you are getting all the love you deserve. All the love I can't give you.

Even if I wanted to.

-BN

This might come as a surprise for you, or maybe not at all. I've always felt like it's been obvious. You don't talk to me as much as I hope you would, because (you're very busy, which I understand, but) I really want to help you more than I do. Trust me, it's not because I don't believe in you, it's really just because I think you deserve a break and you deserve to trust yourself more and let go. I wish you'd understand how much I admire you, and how much I care about you as a person, even though I barely got to know you at all. I am conscious of the reality of our situation, but I can't stop thinking that I really would just like to know you better and be there for you, even as a friend. But yes, I do think you're extremely cute. Like, really cute. Your softness gets to me. I am not really nervous around you because I'm anxious but mostly because you make me sway. Maybe all of this is my way of saying, let's hang out maybe ? It'd be a treat.

PS : I apologize if it seems sudden and very quick. It's ok if you aren't interested. Just know that you can count on me as a friend anyways.

Coworkers > Friends > Best Friends > (Hopeully) Lovers

We have yet to move past the first stage and I’m not sure how to proceed.

I used to really look down on my past self for being so dramatic and annoying all the time but now that I'm dealing with heartbreak once again, I'm starting to respect my past self. Did I really put up with this emotional stress for so long?? God I actually was strong af then

It's over now, isn't it.

On the positive side, we hugged.

And I initiated it! :D

  • I feel so stupid
  • it’s called imagination for a reason — he never actually liked me back
  • I want to undo that post