Of all the things a person can do to another person’s pain, I know that none is worse than romanticizing it. Sometimes I fear I love her like one loves a baby bird with a broken wing, and I utterly hate myself for it. There is nothing beautiful about the darkness that swallows her whole. I think it might actually be the only thing about her that isn’t at least a little bit beautiful.
I have no idea why this ugly, twisted poison has burrowed itself into her soul, but it certainly isn’t so that I have something to save her from. So as tonight beats on and all the roads blend together and the radio hovers between static and song, I'll keep that with me. An order or a reminder, I don't quite know, but I won't let it fade away from the front of my mind. All night it will loop there, over and over: love her not for her brokenness but in spite of it.
I knew you were a flirt.
I didn't realize how much of a flirt.
I hit you up with my cheesy and rehearsed conversation-starter because I just wanted you to recognize me. I wanted to be on your radar. And maybe we could move on to be friends.
"Hey, did you see Batman vs Superman Friday night?"
"Welp. I could've sworn I saw you in the theatre. Thank goodness I was too shy to say hi. That would've been awkward indeed."
You leaned against the wall and glanced down at your phone and my stomach bottomed out. I was afraid you had absolutely no interest in me and were lamenting the waste of a good three seconds.
"Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't have been awkward. Any guy'd be tripping over themselves to say hi to you. He wouldn't care at all. Might've bought you a popcorn."
I swear, it was like someone hit me over the head with a shovel and threw a brick at my stomach, so I have no idea how I managed to reply. Finally, through a grin, I said the first legible thing that came to my mind.
"I regret it too. Anyone who looks like you is worth getting to know."
And all of a sudden we were flirting
And now I have your number
And WHAT EVEN GUYS I still can't believe any of this please help I'm never getting to sleep tonight
"No one could ever love you more than I do" is an abusive statement.
If someone says that to you, it's a big red flag.
If you've said it yourself and believe it, examine your heart.
It's a tactic to control people. "You can't ever leave me because there is no one who will treat you better than I do. No matter how terrible that treatment is, it's the best you'll get and it's probably all you're worth."
If you think it's romantic- Who made you have the strongest, most loving heart out of 7 billion on this earth? I guess you are God now, to know that no one is as loving as you, no one is observant enough to see the beauty you do in your beloved? You love them a lot, probably. But take yourself off your pedestal. Lots of people are capable of loving just as strong. You're not the best in the world, you don't have the biggest heart. And that's the whole point of being in a relationship- you don't choose each other because you're the top 2 lovers in the universe. You choose each other because you love each other and are well-suited for each other and promise to fight through all your many, many imperfections, flaws, failures and outright wrongdoings.
I don't want someone to stay with me because they believe I'm the best chance they've got, that I have the highest quality love in the world or some junk like that. I want them to stay with me seeing all my shortcomings and forgiving me for them, loving me in spite of the existence of better people.
Don't let this world convince you that the emotional abuse it glorifies in its romance novels and tumblr edits is even a tiny bit healthy. It's not.
crush- "you owe me 1/2 dance still"
Me- "you don't want to dance with me because all I can offer you is sweaty palms and awkward conversation"
crush- "you sold me"
Me- "I sold you on what?"
crush- "You sold me on you"
WELL THANKS NOW MY HEARTS GOING TO IMPLODE, SO GOOD LUCK GETTING ANOTHER SLOW DANCE WITH A CORPSE
i think that maybe you'll fall in love with many people during the course of your lifetime. crushes, boyfriends, people you see walking down the street.
but they're all chapters. chapters that complete your life story.
and the person you marry. well...they'll make you write novels, and trilogies and series, and then you'll have an entire library. and it'll be every single genre you ever wanted.
Honestly, one-week-ago me would never believe present-me about what's happened in the span of a week. So, dear one-week-ago me:
- You do gather up the courage to send him that message.
- He agrees to go on a date.
- The date goes really, really well.
- Not only does he kiss you, but you make out for several hours, and it's really great.
- Now you're trying to cover up a hickey on your neck, and you have no regrets.
- You can do it. Send that message.
I think one of the most underrated things in the world is waking up in the arms of someone you care about.
When you're in that hazy period between sleep and consciousness and you're not totally sure where you are or what's going on, you have a moment when you realize that oh! You're here. You're my person, and you're lying next to me, and you're here.
And it's nothing short of lovely.
I literally still think to myself, "Oh no I like him so much I want to tell him what should I do I just-"
Then I realize I DID and YOU DID TOO and WE'RE TOGETHER and I COULD JUST SQUEAL
A friend of mine recently brought up a really good point.
If you are thinking of confessing to someone, (or even if you aren't,) just do it. Because the what you could gain (them liking you back) is much bigger that what they would lose if they don't like you back.(what do they even lose? Sure, it's hard to reject someone, but all they lose is a few minutes of time and the luxury of talking to you without it being awkward for a few weeks.)
I just mean the potential gains are bigger than the potential losses.
Today I am having my first date. My first REAL date, as in boy asked girl if she was free on the weekend for lunch and a movie. With a friend who I haven't been actively pursuing, who wants to have a chess rematch, who wants to learn how to play Exploding Kittens, who says I already owe him a second date, who doesn't mind pissing off his parents if it means spending more time getting to know me.
God, I'm so nervous.