Perhaps I should leave this off here. But it's to the love of my life who I am apart from all my days.
Yes, yes. Now I remember one of the main reasons I didn't want to mix money and writing. Everything just becomes "the job" when you bind your financial life to it. Then you spend years trying to unravel the money from the aspects you once loved about what you do. This leaves me obscure and most of the world judges me based on this refusal. The business end can buffet you into the company of others that are considered great. Then everyone in that field gets to form their own niche, where the rest of us cannot go. So status is still bound to money. But you're just doing a job, and it means nothing, in the end. An algorithm of what will get people to part with their cash the most.
On the flip side, I haven't had the time to devote to learning the technical side and creating a job out of it. Also, I spent a lot of years merely existing, trying to survive - and also trying to decide if I even wanted to survive. The job I have does require skill and knowledge. I've watched people fail in a matter of days because they thought it was "just a job." But it isn't tied to Love, for me. Therefore, I can disconnect myself from my money making, come home, write a bit here or there or in a journal or on a notepad file, and still love the feeling of having my words appear before my eyes. They become real to me when I see them written. Perhaps they're still not as good as they are inside my head. But they are real. And that feeling still keeps me alive. I can't imagine feeling the way I do about my industry of income (I used to actually love being in that place, before I had a job there) when it comes to writing. The idea of trying to make the love happen, instead of it organically growing on its own, actually hurts.
So yes, you won't find me in the writing industry's upper crust. That's the price I pay to continue to love this hobby of mine, the way I did when I was 8 years old.
You are where I can never be. But I am also where you can never be, now. And the love others feel for you will never touch me. But the truth is, those that care for me, who have come this far on my journey, won't abandon me if I write something that they think I should have written differently. So there's that. The flip side of the coin.
Also, what will you hope for your daughter?
Last night I dreamt about being wanted, and loved, and being with someone who cares about me. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that. I still have butterflies in my stomach even thinking about it. I just feel so frustrated with my life I don’t know what to do
I like the way you said jokes in almost every sentence you say and I would try to joke along with you. I like the way that you smile and how you would chuckle whenever you are alone with your thoughts. I like it when we sometimes walked around lunch, just the two of us while you sold chips, rice krispies, and cookies to the other students. I like it when we are in chess club and we play almost exclusively to each other. I like how we sometimes try to secretly play games in chemistry and how we created spider-boy. I really like the way that you are such an amazing friend and just enjoy eachothers company.
I was completely oblivious to all of these thoughts.
But then a few days ago in class, you were talking to a girl and I wished that you were talking to me and got slightly jealous.
I never got jealous before.
I thought to myself that I wouldn't be that person who would get jealous whenever you talked to someone. But then she pushed back your hair to see your earrings and I was even more jealous.
I thought Oh no! I am that person.
And at that moment I realized I have a crush on you.
Now I'm just wondering how I didn't realize this all sooner and I'm really grateful that I got jealous or else it would have taken me later to realize this. Even if you end up with someone else, I just hope we still are friends.
I hope I'll control my jealousy when the time comes, because they would be lucky to date you.
I feel like we are lifetimes apart
I miss you everyday
I hate that when I speak or think of you I speak in past tense
I haven't lifted a pen or paint brush in what feels like forever
I have done things I am so ashamed of, to forget you
I keep hoping for this miracle that you will see your way through to me
I don't know what it's going to take to get over this, and I think that is what frightens me the most.
What is it going to take?
Thank you for rejecting me again. For whatever reason, I was still not good enough for you. You lead me to HIM and while he is not perfect, he definitely loves me. I definitely love him.
The Girl you taught a lesson
You were telling me about something interesting you'd been looking at, and it sure sounded like it was something you wanted to show me. I came over to try and get a look and you subtly shied away a little.
I shouldn't dwell on such tiny events, but I can't help but wonder.
Were you anxious at the idea that I might be trying to get closer to you? That would be bad.
Or was there something you really didn't want me to see?
That could be good... or bad.
We had such a great time today!
If I'm being honest, it went amazingly well, better than I'd expected. Hell, if, for the only reason being that I managed to spend a few hours with you without doing something awkward, I'd consider the whole thing a win. The actual fun we had was icing on the cake, and it was certainly a pretty delicious icing.
But here's the thing.
You made it painfully obvious a few weeks ago that this spark is mutual.
It's also now equally obvious that you only reveal this in certain settings... and that it doesn't mean you want to, or will ever act on these feelings otherwise.
So, I don't know where to go from here. If this attraction were one-sided, I'd probably take every opportunity to bask in your glow until this crush were to run its course.
But when it goes both ways and it's clear that nothing is going to happen...?
...well, I just don't know how you manage to handle it any better than I am right now, because I feel like I'm quickly headed down the path of being a total head case.
A couple days ago I drove 15 hours to get here and order a coffee from you.
Today at the coffee shop I apologized for ordering so late as you were about to close the other night.
You said “Well it’s okay I didn’t have to make it, j did.... and...you’re weren’t a sore sight anyways.”
15 hours of driving - totally worth it.
Your smile used to make me weak in the knees and forget my own name. I’ve finally gotten over that.
Now it’s your eyes.