I am no longer in love with you, and the best part is now i feel free to love you. As my friend, as a person that shared a lenghty portion of my life.
Today we are talking like friends again and its wonderful! Ive missed this more than you could possibly know.
There is a great love here between us, just not a romantic one.
-Under the Big Dipper
I don't know who I am anymore, what I am..watch over me keep me safe
I am lost and blinded
Instead of feeling sorry about yourself, do something about it. Admit you got a problem, your brain is clouded, you pouted long enough. It’s isn’t them, it’s YOU you fucking baby. Quit worrying about what they do, and do yourself.
Don’t fucking go crazy.
I'm just disappointed that I called it my first relationship. I'm disappointed I said it was love. Because he used me. And I used him.
I let him use me so I could finally feel what it was like to be wanted by someone other than a friend. Someone you want to get tangled up with and lose your breath over. Someone you want to stay up with all night and ruin your sleep for. Someone you want to occupy your concerns instead of worrying about your own never-ending bullshit.
But he wasn't worried about me. And I wasn't worried that it wasn't equal. I just wanted to be looked at the way I have looked after so many other unrequited loves before. That love is in all the movies and in all the songs. I wanted it too. And so I used him.
Maybe the reason I'm most upset is because I never apologized. He finally sent me an apology after it was much too late. And I didn't forgive him. I also didn't apologize for the things I did. It was three weeks eighteen months ago, and I still think about it.
So let me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I used someone. I'm sorry I doubted my own worth and let someone use me. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to let go of him. I'm sorry I think about him too much. I'm just sorry.
In six years..
Would he care to know that I arrived?
Would he care to know that I'm staying with a Host Family?
Would he ever care to hear from me?
Would he ever think of meeting me?
I sometimes forget that most feuds in life boil down to the heartbreak of romantic love. Humans have a variety of insecurities, and it always seems to surface as forlorn lovesickness.