(Stay Alive, Jose Gonzalez)
You are on my mind again. I'm not in love with you anymore but I still love you. Every now and then you pop into my head again. I am trying to make a good running playlist, I've been going through all my friends playlists on spotify. I'm looking at all your playlists, and the first shuffle song to play is one I showed you and one I like a lot. It made me think of this magic night.
I thought about that night in March. You snuck out of your parents and I picked you up. I drove us down to an old pond my family use to fish at when I was a kid. The weeds were overgrown but it felt like a wall of protection. We walked out onto the dock on the water. The moon was reflecting on the water, all we could see was the sky above us and the water around us, and the wall of weeds that surrounded the pond. We talked about life and dreams. Old loves, family, music. This is the first time we had ever been alone together. This is the first time we ever saw each other out of class. This was a life long memory we didn't know we were making. This was the beginning of our love.
As it got colder we went to sit in my car. It was almost 1am. We turned on music, this song, the song I first heard on your playlist just now. We talked, we laughed, we would take turns telling our problems without judgement and without advice. We would listen and just be apart of each others world for a story. And sometimes we wouldn't talk, we wouldn't need to. We could sit, with our seats leaned all the way back to watch the stars and the music would speak to both of us, for us. It was pure magic.
It was cold, we sat on the passenger seat together, we held each other for heat so my car battery wouldn't die sitting for hours running. We laughed at how awkward and complicated it was. After laughter came peaceful silence. Watching the stars at an old pond at 2am. Our souls connected in a way my soul had never connected with anyone before. In just a few moments.
(Unofferable, Half Moon Run)
I think about you sometimes. I miss this moment. There are so many moments like this, that we made together. So many times our souls became one. Many times we would sit and look at the stars and the world was only you and I and the never ending universe that we were looking up at.
Now, years later. We live miles away. I haven't seen you since that day in late May. In my old beat up green car that we spent hours driving in, sneaking you out of the house, driving to the pond, looking at the stars, driving to concerts and open mics, and kissing each other. That day, in that car, years ago, when you told me you didn't want me to love you because you loved me and knew we were going different ways in a few short weeks. I whispered into your ear in our final hug that I did love you. You never said anything, and that was goodbye.
I wonder how you are doing. How school is. And the weather. Do you still look at the stars. Do you ever hear a song and think of me? I don't know if I'll ever know, but I hope you're doing well.
I like you a lot S. This is something that happened so fast for me. I wish you liked me too.
I’m pretty furious with you for being so good at leaving it alone, as you put it.
But I’m more furious with my disgraceful status.
If I was ready from the start, I really cannot help but wonder if things would’ve been different in the best possible way right now.
I don’t know how the hell to speed this up.
It’s not like this happens every day. People are really fucking lucky if it happens ONCE in a lifetime.
why am I even surprised that a man like you, who treats his own mother like she's stupid, would also treat his wife and daughters the same way
"Dont give up your dreams, so I won't give up mine."
Thanks for giving me something to hold on to, I promise that I wont give it up, so you won't either. We will going to achieve this, even though we have to do it apart.