When I was young – 19 or 20 years old, just a kid, really – I liked this boy named Dave. We volunteered at the same place and he just seemed really lovely. I’d never had a real boyfriend before and I didn’t know what it would be like, but I thought having someone like Dave as my boyfriend would be so nice.

We spent our Saturday mornings tutoring Sudanese refugees and when it was over we would stand around with the other volunteers having lunch and chatting. Dave was so sweet and funny. Sometimes the two of us would wander off away from the group and talk about how we were both studying history at university, or compare stories about our ridiculous siblings.

One day I got there early and I was helping to set up. I was standing in front of the big stationery cupboard with my back to the room when Dave came up behind me and gently squeezed my shoulder to say hello. I spun around and blushed when I saw him. He’d never touched me before; I’d never touched him.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

And we both just smiled at each other for far too long.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the touch all week, and every time I did my heart would feel like it was expanding out of my chest. Just one brush of his hand and I was a giddy mess. It seems funny to think that I hadn’t realised I’d liked him before that, and even when I did I didn’t know what to do about it. But that one touch… I barely needed anything more than that to be happy forever.

He asked me out not long after. It was subtle and I wasn’t even sure it was a date (a date! I’d never been on a proper date before) but let me tell you, I didn’t sleep for the five days leading up to it. I could barely eat. It was so utterly, wholly amazing, the thought of sitting next to him at a play, eating dinner with him, walking down the street with him… I couldn’t conceive of such excitement and pleasure. He kissed me that night and though I’d kissed people before and even had sex, nothing in my whole life had compared to the way my stomach and heart felt following that kiss. It was as if a future of pure joy had opened up in front of me and all I could see before was unknown but certain happiness.

Dave and I fell in love. We went out for a few years and even moved to Kenya together to volunteer when we finished uni. It was all meant to be so perfect. And maybe it was, in its own way. Maybe it was all it was ever meant to be. Feelings faded and I began to question not what it had been, but what it could be. This was years ago now and I don’t talk to Dave much anymore. He’s going to have a baby in the next few months and I’m with someone much more suited to my older self who continues to make me deliriously happy in a way I stopped feeling with Dave. But I can never forget how it felt back then, that time he touched my shoulder, or the first time we ever kissed.

There is something so pure and untouchable about the first time you fall in love. It might not even be the time you fall hardest, or the time you are happiest, but it is unlike anything else. I know a lot of people on this site are younger than I am and going through this now. Even though I am so happy now and so sure of my relationship, I still sometimes think I would give anything to be back there again, going through this all for the first time.  

11 comments add comment

  • anonymous lover
7 years ago

You have to find a Dave experience again. Who you are currently with is obviously not cutting it, otherwise why would you put all this energy into reminiscing about Dave now, who is going to have a baby soon?!?

Keep riding the way until you find another Dave.

  • the author
7 years ago

No no, i'm not reminiscing, I'm reflecting on different experiences throughout life. I love my current boyfriend more than I ever loved Dave. He is the best person I know and I'm so glad we're together. I just like remembering what it was all like back when I'd never done any of it before... but there are no problems with my relationship now.

  • anonymous lover
7 years ago

Letters like these give me mixed feelings. Like maybe whoever I'm with someday will miss someone else from their past. I'm not criticizing or judging. Its an inevitably as you get older and go through more experiences. Think of a widow who remarries. They are bound to think of their old love sometimes and the new husband has to understand that. I have no idea what I'm getting at, other than love and feelings are so strange and complicated and beautiful...

  • Anonymous
7 years ago

This is beautiful! I feel in love for the first time this year and it didn't work out, but I know exactly what you mean when you say the first time is special and unlike anything else. ♡

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPG6nJRJeWQ&t=200s

  • Anonymous
7 years ago

*fell. hehe.

  • anonymous lover
7 years ago

fuck lol guess i'm never getting over her then....

  • anonymous lover
7 years ago

They've become chapters in my life too.

It's really sad some people think this is a waste of feelings, but it's not. It's bittersweet, but it's real. Love is rare thing.

We're made of small stories like this.

  • The author
7 years ago

To the commenter with mixed feelings:

I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend now used to be engaged and in fact still owns a house with his precious girlfriend. They were together for so long and I used to stress out that he would never fully get over her or that I would never be as significant to him. Then I realised that I have those people in my life, too. I have the people who meant everything, and the just meant something. We shouldn't forget these people, and still being find if the memories doesn't mean we're not moving on. It's just a part of being human and having a heart that keeps growing, I think.

  • Commenter with mixed feelings
7 years ago

^well said. I'm sure that's why your letter made the front page, for stirring up such unique emotions.

  • The author
7 years ago

*previous girlfriend

  • anonymous
7 years ago

Wow... This sounds quite like my story, but not so much. ?

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