hey dad,

it's me. i’m not entirely sure how to write this letter because now that you’re gone i can’t sit with you and talk to you about what’s going on.

first off – i just wanted to say that your death was a big surprise to me. i didn’t think that i'd ever get news that soon, about something that big. your sister contacted me and told me the news. although we weren’t close, it still hit close to home. losing a parent is one of the hardest things that anybody has to go through; and i’m still unsure of how to cope with it.

i’ve started going to counseling sessions here at the college. i’ve only been to one so far, so i’m not sure if it’s helping or not. i talked the entire time during my first session, and my counselor told me that i’m very strong and that she’s surprised that after everything that has happened to me, that i’m still alive today.

it’s an odd feeling, you know? being told that you’re strong when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. there have been so many times that i’ve wanted to throw in the towel; and give up. but i kept pushing through. and even today, i have really difficult times.

i’m writing this letter for a sense of closure. i know you and mom had some hard times, and some very bad times as well. i’m not saying that what you did was justified – because it was not, in the slightest. but i do forgive you for what you’ve done. i know that she hasn’t, and probably never will be able to forgive you; and i don’t blame her. i forgive you, though.

i forgive you for what you did and said to me, as well. healing is a messy process – it’s painful, and sometimes you just want to give up and say “fuck it, it’s easier to hurt than to recover.” but thinking that way won’t solve anything.

now that you’re gone, things are difficult. i’ll never have any answers. i’ll never know how you really felt. i wish i would’ve known that you were sick. i would’ve came to see you. i’m sorry for the way i behaved the last time i saw you. i was just scared and all i wanted was for mom and i to be safe.

i love you. and although i'll never be able to tell you this; realize that you are still loved despite your mistakes. our relationship was a rocky one, but despite everything that happened; you are still my father. i hope you're okay right now and in a better place. rest easy, dad.