i'm sorry about such a long post but i had to get this off my chest.

one of the things i hate most is when expectations are laid upon a person being crushed on when they really shouldn't be. i don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but as a girl i have come across it more than once while growing up.

for example. i recently found out a guy i don't have feelings for has a crush on me, and when my friends found out too, they were all like 'you should go out with him.' and when i said 'why' they replied 'because he likes you. you should give him a chance. you might like him.'

no. i do not like him and i cannot help that. it is cruel but it is not my fault. i cannot make feelings that aren't there suddenly appear for someone no matter how hard i try. they are his feelings for him to deal with. not me. i cannot say sorry for something i haven't done wrong. i have not led him on in any way. if anything, ever since i suspected he had feelings for me i have actually been more distant with him than anyone else. if i took it any further i'd have to completely ignore him and that's just uncalled for.

if you don't feel the same way about someone, absolutely nothing should be expected of you.

i feel like we live in a society where people, especially women, are made to feel like we 'owe it' to a guy to go out with him just because that guy is crushing on us. you don't owe anything to anyone. if you don't like someone, you don't like someone. it's like we're made to feel bad for not having feelings towards someone even though it can't be helped.

'but he likes you. why don't you like him too?' 'because i don't.'

i know. i know. it sounds horrible and mean but what are you to do? you cannot force something if it's not there. i'm not suggesting you be mean to someone who is crushing on you (in fact, if they tell you they are crushing on you, you should as kindly as possible tell them you don't feel the same way). i'm just saying if you don't feel the same way there should be no expectations of you, and no guilt because you have done nothing wrong.

it just got me really annoyed because any time something like this happens, i am always made to feel guilty and always made to feel like it's down to me to do something.

'hey this guy you have treated no different from anyone else and have no feelings for has a crush on you. poor guy, what are you gonna do about it? you should go out with him anyway to make him feel better.'

it sounds ridiculous when you put it into direct terms like this doesn't it; but that's basically what people are telling you when they make out like it's your problem. people are only going to get even more hurt if you entertain their feelings and try and pretend, because the truth will come out in the end. and besides, you shouldn't feel like you have to 'settle' with someone just because they like you. there'll be other people that like you. people that you like back.

this isn't one way either. i live my life by the same rules.

if i have a crush on a guy and he doesn't feel the same way, that is my problem to deal with, and they are my emotions to unpick. i expect nothing from the guy i am crushing on because it is not his problem that i have developed feelings for him if he doesn't feel the same way.

obviously, if someone has led you to believe they like you too that is toying with someone's emotions and that is a completely different thing; but if someone hasn't given you any signs of liking you back then you can't expect anything from them.

in conclusion. when someone finds out someone they don't have feels for is crushing on them. don't make the person being crushed on feel bad about it and like they 'owe' them something.

sorry for ranting guys, and i know this might be a mean sounding and unpopular opinion but i just needed to get it off my chest.

please comment if you feel the same (or even if you don't) and let me know if any of you girls or guys have had similar experiences of everyone having expectations of you in situations like this.

it would be really interesting to know what other people think and if this is something anyone else has encountered because i feel like it's an area of 'crushing' that no one ever seems to talk about.

19 comments add comment

  • Neko-tan
one month ago

Nice post!👍

  • anonymous lover
one month ago

In these situations I don't think the intent is always to pressure you. Sometimes I think your friends just want to be helpful and encouraging. We all know relationships that look terrible from the outside. For example my brother and his wife were never a good match but it's hard to tell them that. Maybe your friend sees something that would be good for both of you while looking at it from the outside. This doesn't mean you have to follow through in any way but I think you should look at it more they are trying to help rather than feeling pressure. Even if it makes you uncomfortable they probably have good intentions so I wouldn't hold it against them.

  • anonymous lover
one month ago

HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS LEGIT

  • anonymous lover
one month ago

I think this also should apply to the girls out there who are still expecting someone (that doesn't interest of them) to date them. Most of the times we need to have self awareness and self respect.

  • anonymous lover
one month ago

Dear friends, it's better not to play cupid.

  • anonymous lover
one month ago

I have tried to date someone who had a crush on me but I didn't have a crush on them. And it didn't work out. But also they were aware that I didn't a crush on them.

  • anonymous lover
15 days ago

I think you’re absolutely right. And people need to mind their own business.

  • Mordoc the Destroyer
15 days ago

I think you nailed it. Unrequited love sucks, but no one owes you their affections, and I think women in particular are conditioned to please and do things just to "be nice". Besides, if someone is only dating you out of obligation, why would you want that? Don't you want to be with someone who is legitimately interested instead?

  • anonymous lover
15 days ago

It’s kind of like telling children to hug or kiss so and so. We should stop doing this, too, because we’re unintentionally teaching them they have to do things with their bodies that they don’t want to do. Fast forward and you have some major issues, like setting them up for molestation. Just stop telling people what to do. They have a choice and stop teaching children they don’t have a choice.

  • anonymous lover
15 days ago

I’m very happy that someone understands.

I’ve always tried to explain this to my mom and others: Just because someone is interested in me, does NOT mean I have to give them a chance or let them try to “win me over”. Why? Because I’m not interested in them and I don’t want to waste their time or mine.

I don’t even feel like being friends with them because that would just make it worse. It does sound mean, but really, it’s so much better to be upfront about it.

  • anonymous lover
15 days ago

Well for what its worth my crush knew from day one I liked her, was never going to reciprocate, and still managed to end up being one of my favorite friends. It will always mean a lot to me. She is amazing and that's why I adore her. Ill be happy for her no matter who she ends up with. So things can still work out okay in these situations...

  • T. Coffee Bean
15 days ago

I identify with this so much! I recently met a guy and exchanged numbers, but I realized I wasn't really interested in him when he started texting me constantly and said how much he missed me after only meeting once. I felt terrible for telling him I wasn't interested, but luckily my friends were there to tell me I had nothing to be sorry about. This letter makes me feel even better. So thank you!

  • k
15 days ago

thank you for this letter! well said..

i'm in this situation now, so agree with you

  • anonymous lover
15 days ago

You are all right... But that doesnt make this letter any less depressing. What a great reminder of how every girl I have ever loved feels. They do not like me, never will, and there is nothing I can do about it. And they would rather I not even try. Or even be thier friend. How uplifting.

Yeah... Romance is some bullshit.

  • Sayuri
15 days ago

omg, this post is deja vu. In senior year of high school I was constantly made to feel guilty for not reciprocating my friend's feelings for me.

It took me a lot of time and self-reflection, and the loss of a few friends before I finally could see what this letter here puts so perfectly into words. It makes me feel very happy that I'm not alone in thinking this way. <3

  • Hello
11 days ago

Same

  • anonymous lover
11 days ago

IMPORTANT

  • Eos
7 days ago

A lot of this site is written by the crushers, about people like you, people who simply can't give affections in return. I've been in your position so many times, and it gets really hard to come on here and read so many desperate letters. I feel like I've messed up.

But you haven't messed up. This is the other half of the story, and it can often suck. Don't be afraid to tell people no, any of you; life can put you in either role (liking someone and being rejected, or being liked and rejecting) and don't let people tell you there's a correct role to play. We're all in this together.

  • J
5 days ago

Thank you for this very meaningful post, it well-articulated and fully relatable.

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