i'm sorry if i acted as if i didn't notice. i just don't want to assume that you like me, unless you'd tell it to me directly. The signs are obvious, it was there, you said you were jealous (tho you said you don't have the right to be jealous) and upset. I keep on budging you to tell me what's wrong, why are you so upset, but you answered me in a different way and you keep on saying that you don't have the right to feel those kind of things. No matter how much i convince you to tell me, you just won't tell me what the real reason is. You left there saying, like 'it was clearly obvious, you can see it through, why do you need to be so dense'.

i know i could just ask 'you like me?' to confirm your thoughts and your feelings... but i dont want to hear the answers coming from me, i want to hear it from you.

aside from that, i couldn't bring myself to ask you that question, because i don't know what to say if you would say yes.. if it would have been 'no' i can just laugh it out and says i'm just joking (we used to tell i miss you's and such, just like a bunch of puns and jokes), saying in that way it wouldn't sound so serious and we could just add it on one of our puns. 

But if you would say.. "yes."

i honestly dont know what to reply or tell you. My mind would be completely blank and i will left there staring to amidst of nothingness. No matter how i denied it, the logical reason behind that was.. i'm a coward and i don't want to lose you.

i don't want to lose our friendship, our closeness... i just don't want to. I was so afraid maybe in the long run we will not work out and lose all the strings that connect us. You are one of those people who gave me happiness and light on my worst state. I cannot risk that on the things what we have right now.

But above all, i am still not ready. I don't want to commit in a relationship just because i'm lonely, and i am still lonely, until now. I was afraid if i would tell you 'we can't be..' you might avoid me afterwards.. leading us to nowhere also.

So i kept myself cool and act like i was a stupid and dense person that keeps on asking question, but at the back of my mind i was hoping you will not tell me

and you didn't..

at first i convinced myself it was for the best.. but later on, days passed, you started to ignore me.. I avoided the confrontation just to save what we have right now, little did i know, by avoiding it will also led me to lose you.

jokes and puns aside, I miss you Y.