I remember I read once that whenever you’re feeling sad or anxious or angry, that you should picture a place that makes you feel calm. And then focus on the sensations you imagine yourself feeling in that place.
In my mind I’m driving down a long, country road. Bright blue skies meet bright green fields. I’m driving fast blaring music, the wind blowing my hair back and forth across my face. I have no destination, no need to have a place to go or things to do. And as I’m driving I come across a field of flowers, a field that expands so far you aren’t really sure where it begins or ends. I stop my car, get out and slam the door, run across the street and straight into the field. I slam my body down, but it doesn’t hurt, the flowers in my mind aid me. Embrace me like I fit perfectly there. I feel the flowers surround my body, blue green yellow orange. I don’t want to miss their beauty but I dare myself to close my eyes and feel the world around me. The sun is so hot, it breathes warmth back into me. The wind tickles me and I can’t help but laugh. The smell of nectar reaches my nose and fills my lungs with its sweetness. The birds sing sweet lullabies and lull my mind to sleep. The earth grounds me and I feel found.
Over the years I always pictured myself alone in this imagination. It didn’t make me sad but somehow it didn’t feel right either. So I went searching for the absence, searching for something that would fulfill this ache inside. Maybe you were always there, maybe I just wasn’t willing to admit my need.
I close my eyes once more... I look over and there you are, turning the volume up and smiling at me. Reaching a hand out and brushing my hair behind my ear. I stop the car, get out and slam the door. I see you grab the keys I forgot and you’re racing right behind me. I slam to the ground and you ease yourself down beside me.
My eyes close, the sun the wind the smell the birds the earth ...
the feel of your hand grasping mine and the noise of your voice whispering “I love you I love you I love you”.