First letter here: http://letterstocrushes.com/letter/800737

Chris,

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write a letter to you for the last few days. I’ve had so many mixed emotions in the last week or so because a lot has happened since my first letter, but I think I’m finally ready to talk about it. Get ready for a lot of rambling.

I went to your show last Saturday, and it was...interesting. To say the least. Many realizations occurred that I didn’t expect from indie bands playing in a coffee shop, but in a way I’m glad they did. I’ll try to keep the facts short before I explain how I felt about it all. 

I went with my best friend, because she wanted to meet you and get a reading on you I guess. We were the first ones who showed up and you got my attention and seemed happy that I was there. Some other people from work came too. There were 4 girls from work who came and you ended up sitting with them and virtually ignoring me, and the way my heart sank at this led to an epiphany, but I’ll get to that. The show was good, your band was all really talented and seeing you enraptured by the music you were playing made me smile. And frankly, it was sexy. It’s clear you’re passionate about it and that’s incredibly attractive to me. There was another band set to play after yours, but my head was swimming so my friend and I left, but said goodbye to you and said the show was great. And that’s what happened. At least that you were there for.

You see, I realized in the moment that you sat at the table with the other girls that I liked you a lot more than I was admitting to myself. My heart sank. That’s not an exaggeration at all. And the lack of interaction the rest of your show only made it worse. You didn’t do anything wrong of course, but I realized that I hadn’t been honest with myself. I realized that I had idealized the idea that we were going to become friends and eventually fall in love and I forgot to pay attention to the reality that I was beginning to have real feelings for you, and I’ve really just driven the nail into my own coffin. 

That night, I talked to some of my closest friends and it was both helpful and damaging. All of them encouraged me to still pursue a friendship with you and do what makes me happy. But one of them, who also worked with you and I, informed that one of our mutual friends also liked you. She wouldn’t say who, and I tried not to pry, and it only worsened the heartache I was feeling. When I got to my room that night and was finally alone, I started crying. I don’t remember the last time I cried over a boy, but I cried over you, someone I tried to convince myself I just wanted as a friend but ended up falling for instead. What a fool I’ve made myself out to be, huh?

After that, I had to focus on moving into a new apartment and tried to keep my mind off of you, but it didn’t really work. I still debated whether or not I should bother pursuing a friendship with you if I had competition but I eventually sent you a text about continuing the friendship and getting a group together to see a movie, and you agreed. In fact, you responded within seconds. I took that as a good sign.

I tried to just take every day as it came, especially as our summer job had begun to wind down, but trying to get out of my own head proved to be difficult. But I did. All the shifts we’ve shared this week, I’ve tried to just enjoy your presence and make you laugh as much as possible, and I think I succeeded. So far so good anyway.

On Wednesday, you invited me and a bunch of others from work to a party at your house. I tried not to think much of it. You told me I could invite my friends. You told me to text you for the address if I needed it, and I agreed. Then after I got home from work, I saw a text from you saying the same thing. To me, it seemed like you genuinely wanted me to go, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Though many friends agreed to go with me, I didn’t go to your party. I’m not into the party scene, so I figured the only reason I would have gone is for you, and I didn’t think that was wise. I texted you telling you thank you for inviting me but that it wasn’t my jam and I hoped we could hang out soon. You responded quickly again, even though your party had already started, and we’re super chill, and I was grateful.

And that’s about it. Those are the big things that have happened. Tomorrow is our last day of work and I’m trying to figure out how to organize people so we can continue to hang out. I’d gladly hang out with you one on one, but I want it to seem lowkey and I don’t want it to really be a date. I just want to spend time with you and get to know you more. I don’t know much about how I feel not but I know that’s what is true at the core.

It’s just so hard not to romanticize you. Part of me feels like you’re my soulmate. Which is stupid, because realistically I don’t know you well. But we’re just so similar and get along really well and even if we don’t completely like all the same stuff, we still are chill with what the other one does and it’s nice. I feel relaxed around you and that can be a rarity in itself. And I know that a soulmate ideally isn’t too much like you, but I don’t think we’re exactly alike. I could be wrong, of course, but I think I’ve only scratched the surface with you.

I feel like you and I have a connection, which you may or may not even see, but in the back of my head, I keep thinking about all the times I’ve been wrong. This website in particular has seen many of the wrongs. You see, once upon a time, I was known on this site as the girl who wrote to Charlie. I was 13 when I found this place and began writing to him and I’m 20 years old now, still pouring my heart out for strangers to read. I thought Charlie was my soulmate, but was horribly incorrect. There were two other main ones after that that I felt I was meant to be with, but neither panned out. I felt like I had a movie moment when I met a nice cashier on campus and felt confident talking to him, and convinced myself he was my soulmate for at least a week before resigning myself to he fact he had a girlfriend. Needless to say, my judgment hasn’t always been the most sound.

But at the same time, the connection I have to you seems different than all the times before. Earlier in the summer, when I dated the other Chris (yikes, again), I had a good feeling about him, but looking back, it was mostly about the act of asking him out and it faded not long after that. My childhood friend that I liked off and on for over a decade I felt was supposed to be my happy ending because a family friend had a similar story and we finally got to a point where we liked each other at the same time. An old friend that I fell in and out of love with felt like my end because he came back into my life after breaking my heart and we reconnected, only to fall apart again. Charlie was the first boy I ever even wanted to date and I can’t blame 13 year old me for wanting hat to last forever. All of them went up in flames. But you, it’s different. I don’t know if it’s different enough from the rest to be permanent, but it’s different. One of my friends has a story like you and I’s, where she believes she met her soulmate, but I think that’s different too. Those two are so identical it’s hard to distinguish them sometimes. But maybe I’m fixating in what they have wuth you and I and I’m wrong yet again. I don’t know, really.

All I know for sure is I’ve never met anyone like you. I feel like I could seriously fall in love with you. I’ve had that feeling before, but it was fleeting. And it was not the same as this. I decided awhile ago that whoever my soulmate is, I want to be best friends with him. I want the love of my life to also be my best friend. And I could see that with you. You’re someone I can imagine staying up late with, looking at the stars and talking about anything and everything. I can see myself going to concerts with you and having the time of our lives. I can even see us making out and bursting out into laughter when one of us messes up. And as silly as that may seem, that’s exactly what I want. Simplicity, with a dash of fun, laughter, and adventure. And I feel like it’s a strong possibility with you. I just do. God only knows how you feel, but I can only hope it at least resembles that.

I’m trying to be realistic. I’m trying to stop imagining things and to just live in reality, and more importantly, appreciating you as I know you now and working toward knowing you more. Maybe we’ll be friends, but maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll fall in love, but maybe we won’t. Maybe you’re my soulmate, but maybe you’re not. I’m working on being okay with not knowing, not getting ahead of myself, and learning to go with the flow.

I need to go to bed. This letter is long and rambles far too much, but it was nice to write it out. All I can do is hope for the best and see what happens. Right now, I’m focusing on staying friends with you, and it’s difficult, but I think it’s better for me. Who knows what the future may hold, but I’m excited to find out. Perhaps it will be a learning experience for both of us.

With love,

Sasha.