Perhaps I should leave this off here. But it's to the love of my life who I am apart from all my days.

Yes, yes. Now I remember one of the main reasons I didn't want to mix money and writing. Everything just becomes "the job" when you bind your financial life to it. Then you spend years trying to unravel the money from the aspects you once loved about what you do. This leaves me obscure and most of the world judges me based on this refusal. The business end can buffet you into the company of others that are considered great. Then everyone in that field gets to form their own niche, where the rest of us cannot go. So status is still bound to money. But you're just doing a job, and it means nothing, in the end. An algorithm of what will get people to part with their cash the most.

On the flip side, I haven't had the time to devote to learning the technical side and creating a job out of it. Also, I spent a lot of years merely existing, trying to survive - and also trying to decide if I even wanted to survive. The job I have does require skill and knowledge. I've watched people fail in a matter of days because they thought it was "just a job." But it isn't tied to Love, for me. Therefore, I can disconnect myself from my money making, come home, write a bit here or there or in a journal or on a notepad file, and still love the feeling of having my words appear before my eyes. They become real to me when I see them written. Perhaps they're still not as good as they are inside my head. But they are real. And that feeling still keeps me alive. I can't imagine feeling the way I do about my industry of income (I used to actually love being in that place, before I had a job there) when it comes to writing. The idea of trying to make the love happen, instead of it organically growing on its own, actually hurts.

So yes, you won't find me in the writing industry's upper crust. That's the price I pay to continue to love this hobby of mine, the way I did when I was 8 years old.

You are where I can never be. But I am also where you can never be, now. And the love others feel for you will never touch me. But the truth is, those that care for me, who have come this far on my journey, won't abandon me if I write something that they think I should have written differently. So there's that. The flip side of the coin.

Also, what will you hope for your daughter?

-Home


1 comment add comment

  • anonymous lover
5 years ago

Brighter future

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