Solace,

I have days where I feel like a loser. I feel incredibly alone thinking about the future, because my family is small and my friends are all getting married. I don’t think I’m smart enough to accomplish the dreams I have. I wonder if I’m constantly just letting everyone down. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. And I’m reminded of the boy that made me feel like I was never going to be girlfriend or wife worthy because I’m not white.

So you know what I do when I feel like a loser? I think about all my friends that have ever opened up to me feeling the same way for one reason or another. I think of the people who usually get no attention whatsoever while everyone always tries to engage loud obnoxious me. And I send them a meme or a message reminding them that I think they’re amazing. That they’re smart and should stop denigrating themselves as any less. That they’re beautiful, and worthy. That they’re special lighthouses in my life I’m grateful for. and when I see strangers trying hard to make themselves feel good dressing one way, or taking small social risks...I acknowledge it. And you know what happens? I find out I’m not alone. I’m not alone in my fears of being alone. I find out my friends are having a terrible week and she/he needed that. I get to watch someone feel attractive in their skin and glow. I find out my friend is still struggling with alcoholism despite being sober for months and needed to be reminded she is doing great. I find out my friends struggle to believe they’re good parents when they simply just are. I’m reminded of how loved I am too and they remind me of how they view me as well. And I remember that boy is a dumb racist, and one person shouldn’t stop me from feeling beautiful. I remember we are multi-faceted human beings allowed to make mistakes and learn from it. I remember it hurts the people we care about when we hurt ourselves emotionally/physically/mentally because they hate to see us in pain.

I realize we all feel like we’re broken, we’re a loser, we’re something we are not. When in reality, we’re all these wonderful people trying to just through the day, and we all need love above all else and each other. Because no one wants to be left behind.

What I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone. You’re not someone to be fixed. You’re not damaged goods. You’re human. You’re someone that someone else cares about. You’re willing to learn and change, and that makes you even more beautiful because of your willingness to grow. and you deserve to love You. Because there’s a handful of people who love You, and that want that for you too. Your struggles are invisible when you put up your walls. But if they could see, they would want You to remember how wonderful you are.

someday, I hope I’ll get the chance to, at least, know you.