I'm just disappointed that I called it my first relationship. I'm disappointed I said it was love. Because he used me. And I used him.

I let him use me so I could finally feel what it was like to be wanted by someone other than a friend. Someone you want to get tangled up with and lose your breath over. Someone you want to stay up with all night and ruin your sleep for. Someone you want to occupy your concerns instead of worrying about your own never-ending bullshit.

But he wasn't worried about me. And I wasn't worried that it wasn't equal. I just wanted to be looked at the way I have looked after so many other unrequited loves before. That love is in all the movies and in all the songs. I wanted it too. And so I used him.

Maybe the reason I'm most upset is because I never apologized. He finally sent me an apology after it was much too late. And I didn't forgive him. I also didn't apologize for the things I did. It was three weeks eighteen months ago, and I still think about it.

So let me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I used someone. I'm sorry I doubted my own worth and let someone use me. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to let go of him. I'm sorry I think about him too much. I'm just sorry.