I have been trying to find the words for days. But they all fall short.
I've been on this site for a long time, I've read thousands of letters over the years. Every once in a great while I would read one about someone losing someone. I never thought that I'd be writing one of those.
I've never known pain like this. It all comes in waves but much like the sea, it's unrelenting. It hits me so hard every time. Every morning I wake up and remember that it's not a bad dream and I cry. I don't know how to eat, or sleep, or work, or do anything normal. I haven't been able to enjoy songs or tv or movies.
I don't know how to be a person anymore. I don't know how to be me without you here anymore. Everything reminds me of you and it destroys me.
My heart is so broken.
I know things got complicated and messed up. But I should've called you on your shit. I should've made you talk to me and open up. I know why you kept yourself from me, I know why you didn't think we could ever be together, but none of it even matters now. I'm so sorry I didn't stay.
I'm so sorry. For everything. I should have done so many things different.
There were so many more things I wanted to tell you, stories to share with you, memories to make with you. I had so many plans. I've learned you can never have enough memories or photos or videos with someone.
I didn't just lose the guy that I loved, I lost a true friend.
Your family broke my heart at your wake. I had never met them before but they knew who I was as soon as I walked up, our friend had sent them the video of us from a few weeks ago. They hugged me and I cried all over them. Your parents told me I could come over to their house anytime.
I went to say goodbye to your family after your funeral and your dad took my hand and walked me over to all the flowers from the service and gave me a vase of them. When he took my hand, I couldn't stop thinking about how the last person to hold my hand was you.
You meant the world to me, I would've done anything for you. I loved you no matter what. I wish I hadn't been so scared to show you that.
I wish I could've told you while you were still here. I miss you so much. I miss your voice, and your smile, and your laugh. It hurts so, so much.
You will always live on in my heart.
Thank you for everything.