i called you sunshine. 

there had never been a better way to describe you, and looking back at the beginning of it all, i think i caught you in the last of your 'cloudless sky, burning sun' days. hell, maybe i was the catalyst to that - the crack in the simulation, what let the dark creep in. you are convinced now that you have all these anxieties and fears about your future, and i'm convinced you're just thinking too much.

please don't think i am being insensitive about anxiety; my panic attacks are the spiky little urchins i keep in my back pocket. i've all but named them, we're so close.

i miss the sunshine, and i wish i could've been more like you. i liked to stand in your rays and soak up as much as i could. my current boyfriend, the man i will likely marry, jokes with me about my physicality; he says i am cold-blooded and must spend so much time in the sun to catch up with everyone else. if only he knew how true that once was.

you are leaving soon to be an actor at an american amusement park in japan, spreading your blond-haired, blue-eyed, forever-july and apple pie personality to the world. you are nervous. you have told me we can't talk anymore, even after i've said we are friends now - all the darkness that came about led to a very close and strange bond. i miss the sunshine, when you didn't think so much, when you left the nocturnal celestial persona to me.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...i have had thick-aired summer dusks, full moons, arid winter winds, now a constant crisp fall dawn, but you are my only sunshine.