i hate this and i hate myself

my brain keeps bouncing between "he likes me. he likes me not.". and it's infuriating.

first i think "the good morning texts, sharing music, constant messaging, and low-key flirtation means he definitely likes me." and then i learn that he is oblivious when people like him.

next he says i'm cute. that he thinks that i'm cute. and that he loves talking to me and spending time with me. then i learn that he just shows affection like that.

i can't fucking stand this because i know that if i were to ask, it would make things weird for him. he's going though so so so so so so much. more than any person should ever have to go through he so desperately needs a person he can truly rely on. the last thing he needs is that one person to say "i've caught feelings for you." so that's why this will be the only thing i'll probably keep from him unless he says anything indicating his feelings directly and obviously.

i wish my brain would shut off this flipfloppy function because it hurts and it's exhausting. i just want a friend i can laugh with. a friend that i don't have to worry about. i wish romantic feelings didn't have to come into it.

i could shut them all away if i find a way to tell myself that when he says "you're a sweetheart," or "i think you're cute," it's never ever going to mean anything outside of friendship.

i just want to be there for him and nothing more. why can't i do that? why can't i do that?


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