Maybe if I just accepted that I am gay sooner, that the reason I was drawn to those girls was not due to friendships and mere administration, then maybe I would be this way--afraid of feeling, uncomfortable with attraction. I feel like I'm being swallowed by her, you know? Like she's great big tidal wave that engulfs me every day but she's so far away, so out of reach.

God, her smile is like this a camera--you can't help but smile yourself when you see it. Her eyes are like pools of green that I would gladly drown in. It scares me how much I feel for her. 11:11 comes up and she instantly pops in my head, and I find myself wishing that it's real. That my supplications of a life--or even just a chance--with her would come true. It scares me so much because I'm feeling so much but the chances are so slim. Oh, dear heart, please calm yourself lest you want to break.