back to the beginning. back to feeling fifteen. back to when i wrote my first letter about you.

something about being home feels like a reprise—the catching up with old high school friends, seeing each other in school parking lots to pick up our respective kids—and i wonder what God is trying to tell me in this moment. live honestly and truthfully and apologize and do better. do it right this time. i think there’s a reason we fall back into habits and what’s comfortable.

i wonder what your heart feels lately. when i last saw you, your eyes were tired and i could tell that your mind was running miles a minute. thinking about your work and your time and how you needed to finish—and i know you get overwhelmed easily. i hope you’ve been able to catch a break and rest your mind. you got this. i believe in you always.

but you weren’t kidding when it seems like we did everything backwards. i remember when i was telling my roommate that i felt bad that i wasn’t making enough time for you at the beginning of this year, and she said that it seemed like i was so focused on making time for you when we were both busy individuals. and that maybe it was time to give each other space to let each other grow.

do you think we’re growing? do you think you’re growing?

i wonder if you think people grow apart to fall in love again. i don’t want to disappear and make you feel like i don’t care about you. or that i‘m not supporting you on this journey. i can tell that it’s one that is stressful and challenging.

but i want you to meet really incredible friends and find your community—because college is an immense gift like that. i want you to meet people who can be present with you and share common ground—talk about classes and hobbies and meet your lifelong homies. i know school isn’t your jam though. so that’s why i worry a little bit.

now i’m back to scribbling letters i’ll never send to you. yet somehow…i ended up showing the original ones to you nearly four years later. will it happen again? i think i joked with you that i would show you everything when we’re thirty so we can laugh about it all. but this isn’t like those wong fu productions that we enjoy watching so much.

there’s a reason why i’m here. it’s funny. i asked you if you thought we switched places, and the thing is. we have.

now you’re in school. and now i’m not, and i think God likes to play tricks on me. it’s always the timing.

you set a boundary. and this time, i follow it. because i’ve always been really bad at that. but it’s hard because i don’t want you to think i’m clinging to the past.

when you said there were no feelings, i think it hit me harder than i let on. and that’s okay. you said it was okay that i had feelings for you.

but now i’m friends with your siblings, and if you have feelings for someone else i don’t want to get in the way of that. i don’t want to be that girl. the one that wonders why i’m still here. i just genuinely want to be a good person and a good friend to you.

i think…someone is in love with you. and that’s the hard part. i remember when i was in that position. where my feelings overwhelmed me and i got jealous and feelings…can bring out the worst in you sometimes.

sometimes i think you still think i’m pursuing you. bet your parents feel the same way. and it’s hard to make a good impression when they don’t know my parents or my story. i wonder if they think i’m being a good friend to you.

i guess i want someone who will pursue my heart the way God does. but why am i so adamant to find someone now when i’m not remotely ready for a relationship? is it because all my friends are in one and i feel peer-pressured?

i think it’s just human nature. to yearn. to be loved. to be cared for in a special way. to have a connection built on a foundation of love and trust the way that our parents have shown us in their marriage—tho yes, marriage is not for everyone.

i don't think you need my permission to fall in love with someone else. that’s on you. but i hope that i’m not something that’s holding you back. i think, you’d have so much fun going on a date with someone. someone who can make you laugh. someone who you find easy to talk to and spend time with. someone beautiful with a heart of gold.

but it hurt a lot. when you said that you don’t remember that wonder of liking someone. maybe four years of wondering what the heck we are has made the feelings lost in translation.

silly, but when i look into your eyes, they still light up so warm and i feel eleven and shy again like the first time we met.

it’s weird. i get emotional a lot over the people i love. can’t talk about my parents or my sister without bawling because i’d do just about anything for them.

and now you’re one of those people. and i’m frustrated beyond anything. because i’m only twenty-two and i still pray for you and your family, but i know it would hurt so badly if you kissed someone else. if you said i love you to someone else.

why does love do that to you? i don’t think i know anything about love. i know that i love you a lot though. but it’s something i won’t say outloud. funny how it used to be something we said so easily after every phone call, after every hug.

i think your siblings can tell. when i came over, i think your brother glanced at you for a second and gosh, my eyes give everything away don’t they. i remember…when you came over in January. when i wasn’t doing well. my sister started crying after you had gone home because we were talking about you. and she said that there was something about the way you looked at me.

maybe love runs out sometimes. but i hope you find that wonder again. i hope you find it with the right person who can make your heart run miles a minute.

- pinkfluffyclouds