“It takes all of my courage to look at you. It takes all of me to look at you when I know you wish I wasn't standing here, right in front you. It takes all of my courage to smile when you talk as though I'm not even there, all of my courage to act as though I'm not breaking inside. It emotionally drains me when I see the hurt in your eyes, takes all of me, when you behave as though our eye contact cuts you like a dagger. You know I didn't mean for this to happen.
It takes all of me, when I realize that you blame me. You blame me for your pain. And it hurts, because I let you, I let you blame me, I let you walk by as though I don't exist, I let your eye glaze over like you're tired of seeing me. It takes all of me to take the blame- you think I was in the wrong. It takes all of me to pity you, to think that perhaps you are right- maybe I am to blame...but deep down I know it was both of us. I didn't mean for this to happen.
It takes all of me to push that aside; to push aside the fact that you threw me away like I was last week's trash, the fact that you didn't even try, the fact that it was so easy for you to let me go, the fact that it was so effortless for you to pretend I'm not even here- as though we've never spoken before.
It takes all of me to look you in the eye again despite all the wrong you've done me. It takes all of me to see the good in you, because I want so bad for you to see the good in me. It takes all of me to even consider you. It takes all of me to want you.
It takes all of me to act like it doesn't take all of me, and it takes all of me to give you what you don't deserve.
You know I never meant for this to happen.”
Originally posted on July 17, 2015 http://letterstocrushes.com/letter/654306