I have liked you for 8 months. I have been in love with you for 5. And it's not getting easier. I thought I was used to liking someone from the sidelines, I was fine with the others so why is it so hard to love you from here?
I know it's not your fault. It's not mine either. It's not like I don't want to tell you, it's just that I can't. Not now. Not yet. I have to wait. 5 more months and then all hell breaks lose, if I get enough courage to tell you.
You are amazing. I know you don't see yourself like that which hurts me more than it should. I want you to see yourself how I do. You are beautiful, generous, smart, funny, and responsible. And although you choose not stand out and you prefer to keep quiet and unnoticed, I think everyone should see how amazing you actually are but I'm also afraid that when they do, they'll fall in love with you too and I'd have no chance at all.
Kolt, I think about you all the time. It's getting embarrassing the amount of times I think about you throughout a day. You are the first thought in my head when I wake up and the last before I fall asleep. I think about holding your hand, I think about hugging you when I feel tired or sad or helpless, I think about how it would be like when you say that you like me too, and I think about spending the rest of my life with you. It scares me how much I like you, it scares me that my feelings for you will overwhelm you. I know that the idea of love is very different from actually creating a relationship, I'm not delusional. I know it's not going to be easy because it never is. It takes hard work for a relationship to prosper and bloom and to last for eternity. I am willing to take that risk. I'm willing to work it out with you.
I'm not perfect and you aren't either, you have your flaws and I have mine, too. It's okay, I can take it. If it means being able to love you the way you deserve to be loved and taken care of. I have too much love to give and I want to give it all to you... if you would let me. It's crazy how much painful it is to be so close to you but not be able to do anything. Only to look into your eyes and hold the stare longer than I should, smile at you a little too much, laugh at your jokes when they really aren't that funny, give you compliments that wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable, help you with anything and everything that you need the best way I could, and try my best to see you because you see me too.
I know you do, you try to hide it but I know you are aware of me as I am aware of you. In your little subtle ways, I see that you care about me, too. So although I am still unsure about whether or not you can reciprocate, and if in the future, you wouldn't be able to, at least I know that some time right now, there is a time when you cared about me, too.
I love you.