Last night, I wrote everything out. Every detail, every perceived sign, every feeling.

I don’t love you. I have limerence. I am not obsessed with you, I am having obsessive thoughts. It is 100% an addiction and addictions can be broken. I’ve reduced you to fragments of a person and come up with this big idea that you are everything I need.

And that’s a lie.

I have everything I need. You are a distraction and while you’re certainly not my only distraction, you are my favorite. But you’re also the most time consuming and soul leeching of them all.

I don’t think I’m going to instantly stop thinking of you but I do know that I am going to be proactive in minimizing these thoughts. I’m no longer going to allow myself to succumb to them. I’m going to put more effort into myself and the relationships around me. Healthy relationships based on reality and the unconditional love of those who have seen me at my best, worst, and everything in between.

8 comments add comment

  • anonymous lover
4 months ago

How much time has to pass before you can identify yourself as having limerence?

  • OP
4 months ago

There really isn’t a time frame. It could be weeks, months, years, and even decades.

Do you feel like you’re on a constant rollercoaster of highs and lows? Craving to speak to them or get some sign of indication that they might feel the same and then feeling that rush and high that follows? Or when it doesn’t meet expectations, do you crash and become depressed, not wanting to speak to people or feeling generally hopeless? Going over and over in your mind how you had to have read everything wrong and mourning the loss of what never was, only to get some signal or validation that maybe they do feel the same? It’s just this feeling that your emotions are on a yo-yo and are totally dependent upon them. That’s not love. That is limerence. Especially if you don’t know them well or know them at all. It’s an actual addiction and super unhealthy.

  • anonymous lover
4 months ago

Interesting. I wonder what causes people to attach themselves to one particular person to such a degree that it holds such an effect. Almost like a drug.

  • That’s about the saddest post I ever read.
4 months ago

Thank God I can feel LOVE and love someone, and not deal with”limerence.”

  • OP
4 months ago

I think the people we attach to probably do demonstrate qualities we love or feel that we are missing from either ourselves or our relationships. It’s not entirely fictional. It’s just severely inflated. You cherry pick their best qualities, minimize their worst, and whatever information you’re lacking, you concoct from your own imagination. So it’s a super idealized version of this person and not really who they are. A key indication that it is limerence is the constant searching for “signs” and “hidden meaning” behind their actions. We do this because the reality of their actions don’t ever align with our idealized version of them so in order to make it fit our blueprint, we quite literally create meaning where there is none.

You can still love in a healthy way, even with limerence. Limerence isn’t love at all. It’s not fake love or some watered down version of real love. It is literally an addiction. Intrusive thoughts. A condition. So they’re not the same or even in the same ballpark.

  • Anon
4 months ago

Dear Op,

Thank you so much for writing your letter and comments! I've learnt a lot about limerence from your writing, and can totally relate because I've had quite a number of objects of limerence. Namely, prolonged infatuations; people whom I put on a pedestal too high for me to reach.

Thank YOU, Op, your words make sense. I wish you well and hope for all the best in your relationships now, and in future. May you be well, may you have fulfilling real relationships with warm and caring people.

  • anonymous lover
4 months ago

yikes your second comment really perfectly described how I felt 3 years ago, and lowkey it lasted for so long that it drove me crazy and I developed erotomania to some degree... good luck. I think your best bet is trying to see them as little as possible and cut off any other contact, and maybe try to figure out why you have such strong feelings for them; in my case they reminded me of my worse parent and I wanted to fix them lol that took me so long to figure out though

  • A
3 months ago

I really needed to read this. So thank you, OP. For sharing these personal thoughts, the way you worded this letter shows the vast of your feelings. How you feel and how you felt.

I put so much pressure in myself into forgetting my ex but you have embedded in my head that it can take some time and with some gentle perspectives, I can fully move on.

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