I was obsessed with someone in high school. I really was. I was convinced I loved him, and, you know, maybe I did. I was convinced he loved me back, and, you know, maybe he did. I heard rumors. Maybe there was a moment. Who knows… but now, who cares?
I was obsessed with my best guy friend in high school. I clung to his very word like a promise without fully realizing that if he wanted to be with me, he would’ve asked. I balanced my self worth on the question of whether or not this boy loved me. Clung to stolen glances around a campfire or that one time our friends forced us to kiss. I beat myself up because I didn’t think I was good enough. I thought that he was the only guy for me and I was going to miss my shot at love if it didn’t happen.
Then, I left. I went to college. I grew up. I wouldn’t say my self image got much better but I learned who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I wish I could say it was a decision to get over him, but it wasn’t. I realized my life was better without him slowly.
I downloaded dating apps realizing there was better out there. I didn’t immediately have great experiences, but I learned how to talk to men and realized I was not as unattractive as he made me feel.
I’m engaged to the absolute love of my life now. I truly thought I was in love with my best friend back then. That’s a joke. It took my guy less than a few months to fall for me. Hell, later we both admitted we may have fell in love the fourth time we hung out (he was my boyfriend less than a month after ”talking” too). He’s seen me through ever flaw, every ugly day, everything. He never hesitates to make me happy. Today he bought me flowers out of the blue while I waited in the car with our two year old dog, and this is a regular thing. He found the perfect engagement ring with the help of my little sister and proposed at night under the stars. I never doubt his love because he never lets me.
I wish I could tell the girl that wrote as “prebrokenheart” that her heart didn’t know what was coming. That she didn’t need to beg for someone to love her. That she might not see it now but there was a reason she had never had a “boyfriend” and that was because her first relationship was meant to be her one and only. I know for a fact she would not have listened, but it would’ve been nice to hear back then.
I’m in love with the only man I was supposed to be with. My favorite letter I wrote back then wasn’t about the guy I was obsessed with in high school but about the fact that I know I would find love one day.
And I did.
-once prebrokenheart, now foreverlovedheart