I haven't written here in a long time, but right now I feel a certain kind of melancholy that I haven't felt in a long time.
I thought I'd squashed down this part of myself, to be honest. I told myself I was better off alone, that I was a "strong, independent woman" and that I could make it on my own just fine.
To an extent, that's all true. But to be honest, just because I can make it on my own doesn't mean I want to. I'm so terribly lonely, and sometimes it feels like "Sad" is just my disposition. I want the sort of companionship that comes with a romantic relationship.
I think on some level I convinced myself that I was unlovable, unlikeable even. But right now I have this friend, and I'm pretty sure he likes me, at least a bit. He's really pretty and has the nicest smile, and he's very sweet. Probably nothing will come of it, but flirting with him made me feel really really good. Made me start thinking that I should go back out in the world and try dating, which is scary and overwhelming but the alternative is living out my life in this sad little room, all alone.
Much as I love my kitty, I don't actually want to end up being the crazy spinster cat lady.