This isn't to a crush, I just want to scream into the void for a moment.

I have a really hard time making friends. I don't think it's because I'm unlikable- people seem to get along with me and like me well enough. But people don't tend to invite me to things, they're never available if I invite them, and even if they call me their friend I get this pervasive feeling that they only tolerate my presence to be polite. I'm a pretty quiet person until I really get to know somebody, and I think sometimes people interpret my quietness as arrogance when it's really just anxiety. I don't know how to get past that.

It's really very lonely. I get so tired of being by myself all the time, but I also kind of hate being around other people. I feel like I have to put on this endless stage performance just to be socially acceptable, and it's exhausting. I was homeschooled as a kid and, as a teen and young adult, was really quite socially awkward and inappropriate. I've since learned some social skills so I think the anxiety I have surrounding talking to other people is just based on that early experience with being perceived badly when I was just being myself. I don't think it's really relevant to my present self, because I understand social cues now, at least for the most part.

But that doesn't change the fact that I still find myself physically unable to speak sometimes because I'm so afraid that I'll say something wrong, I literally can't think of anything to say at all.

Then when I do find someone that I vibe with, who I like being around, I'm so starved for conversation that I just uncontrollably word vomit and trauma dump because it's so rare for me to feel comfortable taking up space, and I'm just desperate for human connection. Then I feel embarrassed for oversharing and never talk to that person again. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to break free from it.

I've never dated because I can't get past the talking stage if I literally find myself incapable of talking. I don't have friends, really, because my childhood friends kind of drifted away after I moved away from my hometown and now I don't know how to make new ones.

I know I sound very "oh, poor me, my life is miserable." But it's really not. I have a great relationship with my siblings, I have hobbies that I enjoy, and I'm mostly happy with my job. I just lately have been finding myself going to restaurants alone, or taking a walk, or other mundane tasks and thinking to myself how nice it would be to have people to do those things with me, but feeling frustrated that I don't know how to achieve that or even where to start.