But what do I do when I'm my own architecht of misery?

I love you.

I told you. Today. As in, "I told you that I liked you." Today. I am so proud of myself. Today. Maybe not tomorrow, but Today is a great day. Today.

At this point, I would be supremely happy with just being closer friends. I miss you like crazy.


FML x 1,000,000,000

Remember when you asked to call me? You were at your father's funeral and in a moment of weakness you asked for me to ground you. My heart started racing, I cleared my throat and tried to think what I could possibly say to help you get through that moment. You didn't end up calling, but still I think... In that moment you needed someone... and you came to me. I was at the top of your list for at least that instant. That holds such significance to me. I wanted to be that person for you. I wanted to help you through the rough times. I wanted to stay around a lot longer.

Instead, you decided to rely on your own defences. Maybe I couldn't be the perfect match for you, maybe love isn't worth the pain of vulnerability, maybe I gave too much significance to small things. I hope you still think of me now and again. Even if you don't care what I'm doing anymore. I hope maybe I still meant something.


Today is the last day I'll hold onto hope for us. One last time to wish we could be more than we are. After today, I will let you go. It's not because I don't love you, but because I do. I can see feelings starting to drive a wedge and I would rather give them up than lose you. But just for today, I'll dream a little longer.


Break the spell, please. Enough.

Tu me fascines, tu me subjugues, tu me troubles, tu m'hypnotises, tu me rends fou. Je tremble en silence, je ne suis rien, je tombe, je m'effondre devant ta splendeur et ta magnificence. Tu es tout. Tu es la femme parfaite, tu es la perfection faite chair.

The love I seek doesn’t exist

at least not for me.