I want you so bad


I have days where I feel like a loser. I feel incredibly alone thinking about the future, because my family is small and my friends are all getting married. I don’t think I’m smart enough to accomplish the dreams I have. I wonder if I’m constantly just letting everyone down. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. And I’m reminded of the boy that made me feel like I was never going to be girlfriend or wife worthy because I’m not white.

So you know what I do when I feel like a loser? I think about all my friends that have ever opened up to me feeling the same way for one reason or another. I think of the people who usually get no attention whatsoever while everyone always tries to engage loud obnoxious me. And I send them a meme or a message reminding them that I think they’re amazing. That they’re smart and should stop denigrating themselves as any less. That they’re beautiful, and worthy. That they’re special lighthouses in my life I’m grateful for. and when I see strangers trying hard to make themselves feel good dressing one way, or taking small social risks...I acknowledge it. And you know what happens? I find out I’m not alone. I’m not alone in my fears of being alone. I find out my friends are having a terrible week and she/he needed that. I get to watch someone feel attractive in their skin and glow. I find out my friend is still struggling with alcoholism despite being sober for months and needed to be reminded she is doing great. I find out my friends struggle to believe they’re good parents when they simply just are. I’m reminded of how loved I am too and they remind me of how they view me as well. And I remember that boy is a dumb racist, and one person shouldn’t stop me from feeling beautiful. I remember we are multi-faceted human beings allowed to make mistakes and learn from it. I remember it hurts the people we care about when we hurt ourselves emotionally/physically/mentally because they hate to see us in pain.

I realize we all feel like we’re broken, we’re a loser, we’re something we are not. When in reality, we’re all these wonderful people trying to just through the day, and we all need love above all else and each other. Because no one wants to be left behind.

What I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone. You’re not someone to be fixed. You’re not damaged goods. You’re human. You’re someone that someone else cares about. You’re willing to learn and change, and that makes you even more beautiful because of your willingness to grow. and you deserve to love You. Because there’s a handful of people who love You, and that want that for you too. Your struggles are invisible when you put up your walls. But if they could see, they would want You to remember how wonderful you are.

someday, I hope I’ll get the chance to, at least, know you.

I need a strong man in my life, so many people rely on me for so many different things, and it is exhausting


Wow it's been a while since I used this website.

Blake I love you. So much. I love it when I see you being weird and you and I both start laughing. I love having your locker right over mine. You are hilarious, so sweet and the most perfect human being ever. I love you so so much. I remember when I first noticed you. It was the same day that I slept on your shoulder because you didn't want me to be uncomfortable. But a few days ago, you wouldn't let a girl sit too close to you. I think that's a sign?

You are the reason I stay alive, Ellie

Pros and cons

to my life

Rights and wrongs

i take a knife

Poems and songs

i stop the strife

The pain happening next to you

I am sorry you never knew

You guys, I don't know why, but I wrote this poem. I am not considering suicide. Far from it, I am promoting awareness.Please guys, my friend is having serious issues, and I just found out.

could you just stay with me? could you just pick me? just to try.

we're perfect for each other, i like you, you might like me, so why the heck aren't we saying anything? what are we afraid of?

you warm my cold dead heart with your smile

Today, we talked for the first time after two years. Never felt such weight to be lifted from my chest. We gave each other a present that we failed to have before: forgiveness. It was nice meeting you again.

I’m so excited to see you tomorrow you’re going to be as ridiculously adorable as usual and I can’t wait