I hold on for too long.
I long to hold, too much.
I've become a slave to hope.
Hoping to be free again.
Free from this broken smile.
This broken heart still beats.
Beating against your words.
Softly spoken lies.
Beautiful bright blue eyes.
I should have known.
I would fall.
Hard.
I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed.
Smiles
Dear Ruben,
It's been a while since I've seen you, heard from or texted you. I know that maybe you'd like to keep your distance from me, that you're probably not ready to commit to anything, or maybe it was just me, that you didn't want to commit to.
It's been 3 weeks or more since we last saw each other, and I remember vividly every second of our latest goodbye. How I stretched my hand to you, how you took it and pulled me towards you to hug me. It meant everything to me. I thought it was the start of something, but that Wednesday... I guess you decided I was too much to bear. The curt tone of your texts cut me life a saw to my stomach. You were supposed to save me, not pull me apart like some rag doll. Do you even know why I like you so much?... I wouldn't even call it like, but neither would I call it love. I adore you. You are like the sun, so bright to watch, I can't look directly at you or my heart would burst into flames, but I can't not look at you, you're too beautiful, too perfect. You maybe not be the most handsome guy, but I like you, I really do. And even if my friends tell me I'm too good for you, I can't turn away. Your energy... your spirit... your essence... that's what I love about you. You're my sun, but I wasn't even a speckle of cosmic dust to you, so I guess I'll have to change to another galaxy, get myself another sun. A sun that sees me, one that respects me enough to not play with my emotions, and actually cares. I don't need a guy that leaves me on read because he's having a good time and forgets about me, I need one that wants me to be there when he's having a good time, to share.
I'll never forget anything, Ruben. I don't think I'll ever forget you. I still love the way you smell. I started liking things I hated because of you, like coconut. It was the first thing you ever bought me. Remember when you called me "gordito" when we went to see the world premiere of Halloween? I acted as it bothered me, but I loved it, you made my heart stop for a minute, and I regret reacting like that because you never called me "gordito" again. I also loved how you called me kid or alexito. I loved how you made me bite your donut because you wanted me to taste it, and it was really good, coconut was it? I also loved it when you put your hand on my leg, your hands are always so warm and soft. And lastly, I'll never forget when you lent me your jacket when I was freezing. I still miss resting my head against your shoulder and smelling you. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Thank you. I adore you and you'll always be in my heart. Alex.
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July 29, 2015
He came up to me and asked if we could talk. We sat down and everything around us looked different it looked like a new building. I don’t remember him telling me anything specific I just remember explaining everything I thought about him. He looked happy but he suddenly had to leave to do something. I thought he was coming back so I waited for him but he never came back. I just remember feeling so confused.
I dont want to live in a reality where we only miss each other and never end up together. I want to make this reality the one that our other selves dream about.