After tomorrow, I have to wait 2 full days to see you again :// I miss you already.
Why can't I gather up the courage to talk to you?
Then I'd have your number and get to talk to you all the time.
My heart can't handle it.
I hate that I'm letting you ruin today for me. You probably haven't even thought about me since we last talked. I don't know what hurts more.
We were sitting at a table, talking to each other and trying to work simultaneously. She asks you something like, "You take sugar and cream with your coffee? Isn't that a lot of calories?" AND BLESS YOUR SOUL YOU SAY "Yeah that's why I'm fat" which was actually so funny because you have the PERFECT body to me
But you didn't smile like you usually do and immediately I wanted to hug you because a guy like you deserves everything
I often sit late at night and wonder: what would have been, if we had done everything that we did - just 3-4 years later? It probably still wouldn't have worked out, since we are pretty different people. But I bet it would have lasted longer still.
But by God, was it good when it lasted. Pretty good, I should say. I remember your freckles, your moles. I had so much fun kissing those. I remember hot summer nights. And cars, and rooms, and dances, and rivers, and TV. And looking at you. And..... I do not remember much else. We didn't really do anything else.
We are so different now.
But sometimes late at night, I sit and wonder. I remember how you felt, and how we kissed for hours sometimes. How our breath quickened, and our hearts flipped, and the hunger inside.
And something inside of me still grabs my throat and does a flip. And I still lose my breath for 2 seconds.
Even after all this time.
Even though it wouldn't work out - and you and I both know it. Our lives have taken us to such different places now.
But when I least expect it - Flashes - come back to me. So bitter-sweet, and unfair, and so nostalgic. All at once.
Your once upon a time Summertime, 20-12.
Seems like everyone has someone. You can't ever tell if someone is single or not just by looking at them. Sometimes the nerdiest guy in your class, who doesn't look like he gets any chicks has a girlfriend.
And then you go one your love's Facebook profile. "Single," it says. Huzzah! How can such a handsome boy be single? He hasn't had a girlfriend in two years (knock on wood). You look at your profile. "Single," it says. Hmmmmmm. If only one of you would make a move. Otherwise it will stay fantasy. He is so good looking, he can easily get a girl. Is he waiting for someone?
Ohhh gosh. I wish this torment would end. You live so far away. I want to see your beautiful face and charming smile. Please, be mine.
July 8, 2012: The day I fell for you (of course I couldn't admit it to myself. After all, you were one of my best friends.)
July 29, 2012: The day I accepted my feelings and made a pact to never tell you about how I feel. I couldn't lose our friendship. This day was also the start of my letters to crushes account (what place better to talk about my feelings for you than with a bunch of strangers? This website was a lot more lively then.)
January 10, 2013: We went to semi together as friends. I can remember you kept saying you couldn't wait for a slow song. I just thought you liked to dance. I remember you saying we should have danced closer. I just thought you were self conscious about what others would think if they saw you dancing at an awkward distance (10th grade self-consciousness and endless excuses for your behavior on my part).
January 20, 2013: It was around eleven at night and your dad was driving us home from our mutual friend's house. I can remember sitting in the backseat and looking over to my right at you. To this day I can remember the slight chill in the air and how the streetlight shadows moved across your face as we went down the highway. We were silent during all of this and as I scanned your side profile the feeling rushed over me. I loved you. I was in love with you. It was a feeling I had never experienced before and I made sure to take in every second of that car ride next to you. I knew there might come a day that I wouldn't be so fortunate.
July 26, 2013: Little did I know that this would be the last day I hung-out you for over a year. I was transferring to a new school and I never received another invitation to hangout again. I was never sure why.
May 17, 2014: Another boy asked me to be his. I wanted a chance to be happy and have fun so I said yes. You had left me and I was letting you go as well.
I saw you a few times in 2014. Mainly at birthday parties. Every time we were back together it was like we had never been apart.
October 17, 2014: He and I exchanged our first "I Love you's" but I had not felt for him the way I did for you on January 20, 2013.
February 2015: I meet a mutual friend at the SATs. We go for lunch and he tells me you think you're gay.
December 31, 2015: You invited he and I to your New Years Eve party. I would be lying if I said I did not love him. I would be lying if I said my feelings for you have faded.
December 2016: I cant remember whose idea it was to reunite for the evening but I'm glad it happened. We went to your cousins house (The one who used to tell us that we would be great together. Remember that?) to play board games. God, you looked so good. I feel guilty for thinking that because I am still with the boy I was supposed to let you go for. You go in the other room and I tell your cousin that you look great tonight. He replies by telling me he wishes I was single because you don't think you're gay. You are in my soul by this point. There is no letting go.
March 16, 2017: You and I made plans to catch up with the boy I went to lunch with after the SATs. He bailed last minute because he was asked on date, but I was already at your house. We spent the night laughing like we always had. I was looking at the pictures in your room and noticed you didn't have our formal picture up, but had every other year's photo. After I jokingly called you out on it and talking for a few minutes, you confessed you liked me at that time. I told you I liked you to. 30 minutes before I was going to leave you told me you had to tell me something. It was that you stopped liking me because an ex-friend at the time kept pressuring you to be gay, despite you repeatedly saying you were not. After months of badgering by this "friend" you got confused; maybe you were gay. After all, they were one of your best friends at the time. You thought maybe they saw something you were missing. But, it was now that you were realizing you were not gay, bisexual maybe? you aren't sure yet. Either way, I knew it was time to say something.
So I asked if I would ever have a chance with you. I could tell you were definitely caught off guard. You asked if I thought it would be weird because we were friends for so long. I said the friend group has gone through much weirder situations and it turned out fine. Before I left, you ended with the answer of "Possibly". That you would definitely think about it in the future but for right now you think we should just be friends until you figure yourself out. Then you asked when I would be home for the summer.
There is a six year weight off of my shoulders and I couldn't be happier. I can't wait for what the future holds.