Passion for something I've lost this some time ago. To put your heart and give your all to achieve it. Hit self-accomplishment and celebrate, spread the joy, be bombarded by your innermost surge of aspiration being fulfilled; see your mood going up and feel like trespassing the sky and the clouds. Does it feel good, right? I don't taste this sensation since a long time ago. I even think that I've completely forgotten about it. Things look so boring and lifeless without it. I wish to reclaim it one day or at least go back to it's root and make sure nothing will take it away from me. It's just like owning a beautiful garden and fighting against persistent parasites. Emotional luggage could be a possibility and a major issue, who knows? Recently I've read an interview with Sjokz talking about her origins and how she ended up where she is now. I felt inspired and jealous at the same time. Since thirteen years old, without being scared, not stopping because of game drama and other factors of this beautiful,yet ugly, virtual world Internet. From little to her college days and present days. It does have sacrifices.

It's when you have something left to hold on. So, that's the key? I might have missed this in the past or didn't seize it like I must. I feel ashamed to admit I did let it pass by. Right there where I could reach, what I've done to don't realize this or see it? Things obfuscating me, I was too stressed at the time to do something for myself and keep my passions burning. I was undergoing rough times, so I wished for them to end as soon as possible, responsibility is entirely mine. Currently, I'm struggling with myself to find my way back and live the moment, become passionate again and go for it with all I got. I'm taking care of my mental health and this is not an easy path, it's one hell of a long journey, I won't be healed overnight, I won't feel better instantly. I might suffer desperate phases and think it's the end of the world, there's nothing more for me, it sounds like I'm exaggerating, I know. But feelings are a thing you don't control like giving an order and it obeys, it's like taming a wild animal without clear instructions. 


Sometimes I dream awake of turning back time, the present me talking to the child I was. I cry, it's pretty and painful, assuring myself that I'm not alone even if it's me by myself from now on.  It hurts and my will to live those days again urges rise. I'm stuck in the past and won't let go of it so easily, I'll need to sacrifice something, change and be free, conquer my freedom, embrace it and live it!


To anyone reading this:

"Life" is your book. You are the author and you got the main role. Write it with love, write it with dedication, cry, bleed, take risks. It's all around you and all ABOUT you!


Kind regards.

~


So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too; become great.

new years resolutions:

get skinny

get hot

get rich

How have you preserved your innocence like this, how have you managed to shield yourself from the overwhelming cruelty and sin of this world?

it's so hard to pretend like i don't love you anymore

Buddy Holly,

whenever we were separated by time, months or years, and met again, you always approached me as if you were wanting something more than how a person approached a friend. Would it be the same if you saw me again?

i literally cannot stop thinking about you. i thought i was over you, but you've come back into my life after 2 and a half years and i'm still so, so so in love with you.


please love me back this time

Hey W. It was your birthday last week and I was too scared to press the send button so here I am, in this site again-- still hoping. Still wishing. If I had enough courage, I would have messaged this to you:

"Happy birthday!

It's been 5 years since our rooftop talks but I hope you still remember. It was never a romantic kind of love that we had (at least on your part), but it was love all the same. Thank you for listening to all my ramblings, and extending your kindness and acceptance to me. That's something I'll never get to repay. 

Praying that you're genuinely happy with her or otherwise." - H

We were talking about some stuff and brought up this topic, that made you to asked this question...

"Pillow.. when we reached the age of 30 and still we haven't married to anyone yet, and still single, can we get together and get married instead?"

I kinda chuckled and said.. "Okay, we have a deal. At the age of 30."

I don't know if you can still remember this pact or not, I don't know if you really mean it or not..

We had a deal.

A pact,

and possibly.. a future for us.

-pillow