Me: "honestly I think I can see why people think my crush isn't cute. i think I get it now. he really is just lowkey ugly wow I Have Been A Blind Fool"
Also me on the exact same day: *crying tears of joy because of how cute I think my crush is and how much I like him*
L, you'll never read this letter, so I know in my heart it'll be okay to write some heart-feelings here in order to have the closure I need to move on, maybe saying it will clear my mind, or I'll magically achieve the Vulcan kolinahr ability and all of my remaining emotions surrounding this will fade to nothing in time.
Maybe I'll study again, or find a way to be a part of a working environment in a new place, with new people, who won't feel the need to sabotage me, but for now, that's all going to be one tiny step at a time, I guess.
At the moment, all I really want to tell you is how much it hurt, I am still hurt, I've cried almost everyday since it happened — to give you so much kindness only to have to hear and then read words from you that broke my heart even more. I really cared about you, I thought you were just so funny and weird and friendly and interesting to talk to, then, I'm forced to see another side of you, the opposite of friendly, and another side to the place I'd come to love, a rumour mill without good intentions.
Seeing that not only broke my heart, but also my trust in people, especially in the girl who claims to be your best friend by stepping in to gossip about me, at a time when I cannot defend myself, is that really a friend? I never ever thought of you like that, I'm so upset that you acted that way, and why? What joy did it bring you to know I was still upset, to know that I could no longer see you in the same light?
Just so you know, I never had a bad thing to say about you, even in amongst everything I wrote in my "journal" after it happened, (though, to clarify, no one can see that apart from those people I trust, it turns out, I trusted the wrong people at this job entirely), the only thing I spoke of was how hurt I was, and one day, I hope you'll know what that feels like, to have someone you trust turn a feeling into a reason to rip the ground out from under you.
This past week, I had hoped you would say sorry, I had hopes that you wouldn't leave it like this, that you'd send an email, asking if we could at least talk it out, but you didn't, and realising that you never cared at all, just hurt even more.
Today my name was said, I'm told you looked up, you acknowledged it, I know that much. I mended the badge and gave it back.
If this would have been the other way around, I would have apologised, made you tea and hugged you, because kindness comes before anything else, it's all part of being a human.
Maybe one day, you'll read this, and the journal entry I wrote, maybe one day you'll understand why it hurt.
You should email and try to patch it up, I never asked for you to say any of what you said, neither did I ever think it would turn out this way.
i haven’t been on ltc in months and it’s all because i didn’t want to admit that i have a crush on you
It‘s now been 15 months since i felt the warmth of your gentle hands caressing my skin and i just want you to know, i still get nightmares about when i waved goodbye to you from my door step, eager to fall asleep because in aproximately 15 hours, my arms would be draping from your shoulders as i kissed you good morning. “I need to go home, family emergency“, i wonder if those lies haunted you as you let another girl feel the warmth of your gentle hands caress her skin that night.
I'm sorry if I gave you hopes, I didn't mean it, although I really loved you, we could be still together, after what we gone through, this time I don't think there's a way to salvage this, I'm so sorry. I got attached too, so it won't hurt only for you. I wish things would be okay after our talk in the transition of 2018 to 2019, even if I gave you a kiss, thinking it would be the last time and then remain as friends only.
I thought it had a chance to be at least your friend, something that was denied to me.
Yes, it was stripped from me. No matter how hard we worked to be still, stand our grounds, the gossips managed to do a huge damage, I was forbidden to even greet you.
Want to know about the gossips? A serious subject and there're eye witnesses.
I prayed for us, I prayed for protection, I prayed for wisdom to make a good choice before making a move.
And in the end, those nasty comments fell on my family's ears.
No communication with you for good.
This isn't my will.
But, to avoid chaotic situations, this is what's left to do.
I don't want you to be gone.
You'll have to be absent, thanks to the goddamn gossips!
I'll go in your place.
No, this is true.
I don't want to be in this town anymore.
I'm worn to the bone.
I had enough.
Don't worry, I'll be fine.
Until... the Universe knows when.
Goodbye, my love.
I must go.
I must leave.
Find a better place to me.
No more gossips.
No more drama.
No more noise.
We had to sacrifice anyway.
but Then I remember how you let me down during the time I needed to know who were the people that cared for me.
You still haven’t said a thing about it all.
So I should stop holding a torch for you.