Do you ever think about me and smile? Because if you're wondering, I do. How can I not?

I'm so deep in whatever we have right now that I sometimes see you and accidentally think, 'That's my guy' even though you aren't mine. Now I'm actually scared that when we're talking, I might blurt out 'I don't think I'll ever like someone again the way I like you.' Or maybe something like 'I'm so happy you're here for me.' Or even worse, 'I think I could be in love with you and I don't know what to do with that."

You are the only man I truly loved. The one who cares for me tenderly and loves me unconditionally even on days when I find myself unlovable. The emotions I have for you run deeply, I try to find the words to best describe it but there is nothing to compare the love I feel for you.

I see the pureness in you and you're the one I give my heart to. I trust you with my life because I know you'll always be there to catch me. Sometimes I find myself just looking at you. The love I never thought I'd be able to grasp or to touch, and to only simply dream of. You're right there. This real connection you've made my reality. I'm forever grateful for you. To show me all the different ways you love all the major and minor details about me is something you may not come across in a lifetime but if you're lucky you find that one person who can.

We've laughed together and we've cried together. I've always told myself I need a strong man to handle my intense personality and yet you are so gentle with me. My flaws and jagged edges, you seem to create a softness in me. You give me the space to grow and the space to grow with you and beside you. You give me the push I need to be better sometimes. Thank you for supporting my goals and passions. I can be my true self with you and you've made me feel so secure and comfortable 

You are the proof that's soulmates exist and our love is something worth believing in.

 It's you. And it's always been you.

- Your baby girl



I want to go slow this time.

I named one of my favorite possessions after you, Eric. It’s been six years since you died, yet you linger in every room I enter and I feel your spirit fill some of the hollowness that my still deflated existence carries. 

I sigh dejectedly as I hear your laugh echo and slowly begin to fade away in the back of my mind. My current reality feels poisonous, so as per usual I cling to the memory of your laugh until it dissipates into thin air and I’m left staring at my broken house that I haven’t even attempted to disguise as a home.

Moving on and attempting to reintegrate myself into this large and confusing world has been the most difficult thing I have ever known. I went from getting beat by those around me and having a sturdy and reassuring voice to assist me in thinking practically and calmly, to surrounding myself with a sea of lovers in an effort to study and embrace people the way you once did.

We spoke often of how it’s so beautiful that no two people are alike, how we all have our own way of thinking, dreaming, acting, crying and existing. You spoke often of how I am my own entity, how my thoughts will always belong to me and me alone.

Every since you left, the words you once said are the majority of my thoughts. I hear your voice encouraging me when all those around me shatter themselves for lack of anything better to do and I find that I’m injured because of their inability to hurt until it doesn’t anymore.

When you let it all build up, when you fail to communicate, when you don’t express your thoughts on paper or via some artistic way of being, you will eventually break. When this happens, you will shatter, and all those who dare love you even knowing you are withdrawn are trust no one at all.. they will hurt infinitely more times than you ever could.

I’m rambling, I know. I miss the way that you allowed me to charter on for seemingly light years, never interrupting, sometimes even keeping a notebook in your lap so you can write down comments regarding my musings that you read back and explained to me once I was done pouring the contents of my mind out to a soul that knew me so well, and yet somehow always provided honest and unbiased conversation. 

After your body fell deep underground and your soul rose up just high enough to linger near the ground that I continue to stand upon, it finally made sense to me. You kept getting higher and higher while you were still on the same plane as me and eventually when you passed your spirit was unable to absorb all the substances you allowed into your system. I believe this allowed you to exist as high as you wanted. I wish that it didn’t take reaching apart of the afterlife to finally be high enough in your eyes, but you always did know things that I didn’t. Maybe you have it right, somehow.

- Emerald Evermore 

- �𝗪𝗺𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹𝗱 𝐚𝐄𝐦�𝐚