In fact the saddest thing ever, is that only in my dreams, can we be astronomically together.
dear a,
i miss you. i miss us. we were right to end things now, we really were. to be very honest, i saw it coming. and what's more, i was thinking of ending it too before but i didn't know how to say it. no that's wrong. i knew how to say it, i was just scared of breaking us apart.
ever since i found out that you might go to ns, i started thinking maybe i shouldn't start something then. because if you leave, it'll be a long distance relationship and i don't think we can do that. i didn't really want to start something because i was scared of ending.
i was warned though. my mum said it could end like this because of ns. but you know what? i still went for it. i told myself to give it a go, i wanted to because you are such a nice, considerate, smart and attractive person (both inside and outside). for once, i wanted the stuff in my head to become real life. all the stuff i had thought of in my head. i could make it real. and it was real. it was real for 8/9 months.
it's so hard to do long distance and i personally don't think i can do long distance. not that i need to see you every day or anything. i like knowing that i can see them if i want easily.
if you leave for ns, you'll be nearly 4000km away. i can't see you easily, and tbh you'll probably be so busy in singapore you won't really have time for me. and honestly, i think it could be the same for me once i'm in uni too. i don't want to hold you back from other potential people just because we're waiting until you come back. i want to help you and not hold you back.
but you were good to me. you were so kind, so thoughtful and you made my self-esteem increase. you lifted me up on some days i was feeling miserable and i bet you didn't even know it. but you did, you made such a big impact on me. you still do. i don't know if i can forget everything that happened between us. i don't want to, because those are memories and one day i want to look back on them. moving on for me, i don't really know how that works. but i'm pretty sure it doesn't mean forgetting. i can't forget you. how can i throw away months worths of memories? of feelings?
i can't.
and now, one day after we decided to end things, the thought of being friends with you after everything that's happened... i can't imagine that.
i want to still be your friend, i really do. but everytime i look at you, i just know it's going to hurt. all the memories will come flooding back. can i ever look at you the same ever again? one day hopefully.
the thing is, i need some distance. i'm pretty sure. i think the moment i see you, or be close to you again, i'm just going to want to hold you close. cry in your arms until all the pain is gone. cry until you cry too so we both cry together, for what we could have had. look in your eyes until i memorise every single detail. be close to you because your smell is comforting. i've grown used to your smell, recognised it. associated it with you. i swear if i even smell your smell i could break down. there's so many memories in my head.
it's so selfish of me to think this though. just wanting to be close to you when we're meant to move on. i can't do that right now anyway, so i'll keep my distance.
but why? why the last day of us together you tell me you think the world of me? why did all your feelings pour out on our last day? why the last time we go out, we take pictures where we're both happy that created a false hope in my heart. we truly look happy there. so where did we go wrong? that's the thing.
it's not us. it's the circumstances we're in. i agree but regardless, it still sucks a lot. we could've worked. we could've made it. but we weren't meant to be.
if we truly are meant to work in the future, then we will find a way to each other. but as of right now, we're done.
hopefully, with time, we can be friends. close friends. i've already formed an emotional attachment to you. and i can't let that go. but i can play the part. friends.
it hurts now, but it's getting better. i went outside today to play basketball and it helped so much. the fresh air, the adrenaline pumping through me when all i could feel before was numbness and hurt.
i archived your messages, the pictures. all the things you've given me, i put them all away. not chucked away of course. i would never. just away so i won't be tempted to look at them and reminisce. i need to heal. and when i'm done, i'll pull all the things out. look back and fondly remember the first boy that stole my heart. the first boy to write me a letter. the first boy to text me late in the night when the rest of world felt absent. the first boy to make me smile merely from just existing. the first boy that i may have fallen in love with. so many firsts. i've never thought of someone the way i still think of you.
i wish i could know what's going on inside your head. i wish i could know if you're hurting. and i wish i could help, reach out and let you let it all out. hold you, be there for you. but i can't because i'm the reason you're not alright. i'm so sorry. i know it wasn't easy for you to say it, but we both needed to end it so it doesn't hurt as much than if we ended it later down the track with more memories. i could see it was hard on you. as you turned to look at me, i could see your eyes were red. i don't remember seeing you cry, so maybe you were on the verge. and you still had the kindness in your heart to ask me if i was okay. i wasn't, but i would be. eventually. as we said goodbye, i could really feel it. the end. as i looked into your eyes (possibly for the last time with both of us feeling the way we do for each other), i wanted to stop it. i wanted to run back to you and beg for us to figure things out so we could work. but if it's not meant to be, it's not.
looking back, i don't regret it. i loved every moment of us together. smiling, laughing and going out together. i loved being the person you like. i still do, but i'm trying not to. i need to move on, but i will never forget.
thank you for everything. i hope you can cope well. i would say i'm always here for you but now i can't say that anymore. but i'll still care. i can't help that now.
so goodbye then, goodbye to us. but just know i don't regret any second being with you. it was an amazing time, and i'll never forget you.
from ki
7.07.21
Spoil the right one next time. The one who doesn't expect it. The one who appreciates it.
Are you following me online? Am I a muse or something? Are you trying to make me go crazy?
Can anyone comment about their positive healthy relationships with a man? I don’t want to be a misandrist but I’m sliding down that hill and into the depths of it as we speak
may bago na namang server sa rox? dapat nag-add na lang kayo ng channels =__=
…
ano kasi password ko sa twitter
-cl
so I let you know that I want to try to be more authentic, more myself, to stop shying away from conflict, to try to stop being so nonconfrontational, to try to be more honest about my thoughts and feelings, to put my own wants up for consideration, to stop censoring myself all the time. because being myself should help our relationship be better for both of us. because I want to stand up for myself more.
and now you're crying because.... you're sad I can't compromise? because you always put the relationship first, and now you won't get what you want as much because I'm actually considering myself for once? because you don't want us both to put ourselves first, because you say you'd sacrifice everything for me, and now you're sad that I wouldn't do the same?
I love you a lot, but I don't know how I feel about this
y'all I have a first date with this man in two days and I don't wanna get my hopes up too high but I have a good feeling about him