Time flies like this. I cannot afford to feel my health deteriorate because of some people without better stuff to do in their lives. Even a minute with them makes it seem like my lifespan is 10 years shorter. I imposed limits and I will follow this. I said never again, no more similar situations repeating. This is not selfish. I just don't want to get old and look back during my final moments, resent myself for wasting my youth and maturing years with things or people that NEVER added to my life. Only take away.

Enough. I want to celebrate the ones who are by my side. Amazing people out there to meet. A billion of humans walking this Earth, why stay trapped with one ridiculous being who believes he or she is the best you can get? What is this person doing to you? Providing what? What are their plans? Do they want to build a future, or just make you feel like shit?

I want more. Multiply. Nurture and reap what I sow. Not the same old drama. Lies. Manipulation. 

We deserve the best and we're here to evolve not to be stuck in a miserable place.

a friend, my rolemodel once told me 

"i know he's your comfort person, that's a given, but when are you going to get out of your comfort zone ?"

and to be quite frank, that stuck with me

im so used to you. im so used to how your curls bounce on your face. im so used to your cute smile, how your cheeks mold your smile and how your eyes gleam along side it. im so used to your corny jokes that can't help but make me laugh. im so used to waiting for you to call me at random times of the day. im so used to waiting for you to respond because youre always taking naps. im so used to you. how could i ever get out of this comfort zone when you give me exactly what i need. its called a comfort zone for a reason.

There's someone thinking about you right now. He doesn't know where you are today or how you're doing. He can only assume all is well with you. He certainly hopes and prays so. He never got to tell you how he truly feels about you and he probably never will. Just know that someone you used to know loves you very much. He wishes you the best and a piece of his heart will always go with you. He hopes you'll remember him. He asks that you take care of yourself and wishes you a wonderful life. You don't know it but you forever changed his for the better. He misses you terribly.

He's me.

You deserve all the stars and constellations.

Even if in my eyes, in comparison to you, they would all feel dim. As you alone have managed to light up my world no celestial body could.

You and I were are like puzzle pieces that came from entirely different boxes. We were never made to fit. I wish we could have.

I found this site like a hundred years ago when I had a crush on a coworker. I thought he was just the greatest. I was crushing on him so hard.

Eventually, I left that company. It was such a toxic, soul crushing environment and my life is infinitely better not being employed there anymore.

The interesting thing was once I left, I realized this guy wasn't all that. He wasn't anything extraordinary. His looks were average. His personality was actually kind of dull.

I realized that developing a crush on a coworker was a coping mechanism. It got me out of bed and into work when even the money wasn't enough. He was the only thing that kept me going another day at that awful company. It wasn't love it was a manufactured happy place to keep me from up and quitting on any given day.

When we have a crush, it skews our perception of the situation. It's really easy to think they like you back when they actually don't. It's easy to read too much into a comment they made or think you saw love reflected back in their eyes. We look for any scrap of evidence to support the idea of having a chance with this person. Maybe they are simply a friendly person, and you, in your desperate loneliness and overwhelming infatuation, are seeing something borne of your own wishful thinking that isn't there and never was.

I have cancer.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to tell you? You’ve already been through so much in your life. The last thing I would ever want is to hurt you more. 

Our love story is full of so much wonder and beauty. Every smile, every argument always end the same: we both lay in each others arms sleeping peacefully. We have so many plans, we’re supposed to bring doing so many things. But this diagnosis is gonna to make it near impossible. I just don’t want this to end, the way I know it will.

God, it’s so selfish but I don’t want you to go and love someone else. I don’t want you to lay in another persons arms knowing that you’d rather be there than anywhere else. I don’t want you to say “I’ll see you in every universe” to anyone else other than me. The thought makes me sick.

I just can’t bring myself to tell you. I’m sorry A, it’s not your fault. I love you so much.

to anyone that sees this -

why are you here?

not the simple answer, because that would be too simple. you’re in love, you‘re in love with someone who doesn’t know it and its devouring you from inside

I want the real answer. why are you here? what are you missing? why are here, sending a message into the void, rather than just having a conversation with the person you love?

what’s worse -

rejection?

or constantly wondering what could have been if you had just done it, if you had just confessed the truth

your choice.

No need to reply or anything - I need to let this out, once and for all. Somewhere. I never forgot about my first love. In a traumatic sense. We were young and both stupid with each other. I learned and grown since then, but I think about how she never got to see this improved, happier version of me. The kid who finally chased his dreams. She didn't believe I'd be successful, and what not. I took that personally at the time, of course, and used that to prove her wrong. I, eventually, proved myself wrong too. She left me for many others. I stayed single for most of those years to heal, to be better as a person. To be content in being alone and independent here. The reason why I'm writing this, it's the dreams. I had a dream of us, once again. And I'm fucking tired of it. She left me behind to hurt. I look back, maybe I did deserve it, but I didn't know any better. I knew nothing about love. Now, that I do, I wish this person knew me. She never knew me. I think that's what keeps haunting my mind about her. No one actually took the time to know me in any of my relationships.