it hurts a lot. I don’t even know how to explain it. you said that I’m special. I thought you cared about me. so why?
i like you.
scratch that, i probably love you. and i've waited so long, for absolutely no reason. you can't understand how annoying it can be to overthink any single crap, and i'm just so tired of it. i love you, and whatever happens after i confess is beyond me, but it's okay. i don't want to live with the what if's and what it could've been's for the rest of my life. i love you, and that's all.
Having been here since 2010, I have been able to record my best moments and worst fears, my desperate midnight thoughts, and dreams.
Thanks for being here, LTC.
Ok, so bear with me a minute here..
I’m super insecure about my looks. I think I have a cute face with nice eyes and pretty hair, but my body is the heaviest it’s ever been and is disproportionate in areas. I have bunches of stretch marks, and patches of hair where hair doesn’t typically grow on women. I have a very oily complexion. And, I’m almost 30 and I have braces. Plenty for any lady to feel self-conscious about, if one is as sensitive as I am and has dealt with being uncomfortable in their own skin for as long as I have.
But you know what’s crazy?
There’s this man. A man who has some great physical qualities but whom society would ultimately deem unattractive, just like me. And some way, somehow, this man fell head over heels for me the night we met. Since day one, this man has treated me like I’ve always dreamed of being treated, but never thought I would because I was starting to believe there was no man that amazing out there for me. This man whom my weary heart resisted for so long for fear of being hurt again, only to have love for him awakened like the blossoming of the most beautiful flower.
This man is now my significant other, and the love of my life.
At my most insecure, someone managed to fall in love with me who genuinely thinks I’m beautiful. Who makes me feel genuinely beautiful. He puts the stars in my sky. It’s a love that feels new and fresh like the smell after a rainshower, while also feeling old and comfortable like your favorite sleep clothes.
And I think that if I can find that without even looking for it, others can too. Don’t lose hope.
All I can do is put my perfume in the books I give you with high hopes that you begin to see me as a beautiful fantasy, like one that might unfold on the pages.
To be honest, I don't really know if I like you or not, or anyone. I don't really obsess about you or think about you constantly like previous crushes, I just feel really good when I'm around you. Watching you smile or laugh makes everything feel nice and simple. It just feels very nice. :)
That's the thing about supressing your feelings. You don't even realize what you're doing- until it's 2 PM on a Thursday, and the sound of the faucet makes you cry.
We may push down the pain. But it still finds a way to reveal itself... shouting "I'm tired of suffering in silence."
But then we turn the faucet off. And we go about our day.
We should listen to ourselves more often.
You're the first person I've ever had that spark with.
I'm a little awkward, a lot insecure. Not a lot of people fit into all my edges and grooves on the first try - most have to patiently wear a nook into my side, and bless them for taking the time to do so.
But you. You fit into my heart from the first smile you gave me, so perfectly it was like we were made for each other. You lit up every hollow in this broken heart, and I'm scared of the shadows that'll return if - when - you leave.