I think I found him. My practical version of a prince. My hero. My rock. He’s like an old friend, I can tell him anything and he’ll validate how I feel. He’s always on my side, even when we disagree. Long distance is hard, especially on days when we crave physical touch. But I don’t want anyone else. I just want him
I want to be clear,
It’s been years. I know you’ve changed. We both have. We’ve both gotten older and we’ve both been through a lot. And I recognize that change when I look at you.
But I’ve never not found you attractive. I genuinely can’t imagine myself looking at you and feeling anything but pure adoration and wonder. You’re an amazing person. You were then, and you are now. Even more so.
I just wanted to put that out into the universe. Please continue to take care of yourself, and I’ll do the same.
It's really been a year, hasn't it?
A year since I fell hard for something I knew deep down that I couldn't ever have, but the idea of you made my heart flutter just to think about. You know, having something to fantasize about really is comforting. Even if I'm left all alone, crying, knowing that you'll never even be aware of my existence, knowing that you'll never feel the same as I feel for you, the thought of you being there comforts me nonetheless.
I hope someday you'll realize that I would do anything for you. Even when you do the bare minimum, even when you dodge my gaze, no one will ever compare to you.
Who am I kidding, I will never have you and I'll learn to accept it. I'm only hurting myself more by daydreaming about the day you'd feel the same.
Maybe one day, but until then just know, I will always, and forever, love you.
If it is true that we will meet again, that we are bound,
I want you to know how excited I am to meet you again. It’s been four years and we‘ve both changed so much, but you’ve only grown more amazing and beautiful. I think it will be intense, and all of our past interactions will seem like nothing in comparison.
I think it’s going to happen soon. I’m bracing myself. But until then, please continue to take care of yourself, and I’ll do the same.
I love you.
I'm sorry I'm so bad at communicating, for not knowing and upholding my boundaries, for not understanding what I'm feeling and why in the moment, for repressing anger and other emotions, for acting in ways that were passive aggressive and unkind, for thinking I could change the outcome of things, for not accepting what you wanted, for playing games, for being unkind. And for so many other things in my life.
I love you. That is the one thing that has remained constant, throughout, since the day we first met.
I love you
Love yourself enough to walk away
That's a mountain of messy and you're here to shine
back to the beginning. back to feeling fifteen. back to when i wrote my first letter about you.
something about being home feels like a reprise—the catching up with old high school friends, seeing each other in school parking lots to pick up our respective kids—and i wonder what God is trying to tell me in this moment. live honestly and truthfully and apologize and do better. do it right this time. i think there’s a reason we fall back into habits and what’s comfortable.
i wonder what your heart feels lately. when i last saw you, your eyes were tired and i could tell that your mind was running miles a minute. thinking about your work and your time and how you needed to finish—and i know you get overwhelmed easily. i hope you’ve been able to catch a break and rest your mind. you got this. i believe in you always.
but you weren’t kidding when it seems like we did everything backwards. i remember when i was telling my roommate that i felt bad that i wasn’t making enough time for you at the beginning of this year, and she said that it seemed like i was so focused on making time for you when we were both busy individuals. and that maybe it was time to give each other space to let each other grow.
do you think we’re growing? do you think you’re growing?
i wonder if you think people grow apart to fall in love again. i don’t want to disappear and make you feel like i don’t care about you. or that i‘m not supporting you on this journey. i can tell that it’s one that is stressful and challenging.
but i want you to meet really incredible friends and find your community—because college is an immense gift like that. i want you to meet people who can be present with you and share common ground—talk about classes and hobbies and meet your lifelong homies. i know school isn’t your jam though. so that’s why i worry a little bit.
now i’m back to scribbling letters i’ll never send to you. yet somehow…i ended up showing the original ones to you nearly four years later. will it happen again? i think i joked with you that i would show you everything when we’re thirty so we can laugh about it all. but this isn’t like those wong fu productions that we enjoy watching so much.
there’s a reason why i’m here. it’s funny. i asked you if you thought we switched places, and the thing is. we have.
now you’re in school. and now i’m not, and i think God likes to play tricks on me. it’s always the timing.
you set a boundary. and this time, i follow it. because i’ve always been really bad at that. but it’s hard because i don’t want you to think i’m clinging to the past.
when you said there were no feelings, i think it hit me harder than i let on. and that’s okay. you said it was okay that i had feelings for you.
but now i’m friends with your siblings, and if you have feelings for someone else i don’t want to get in the way of that. i don’t want to be that girl. the one that wonders why i’m still here. i just genuinely want to be a good person and a good friend to you.
i think…someone is in love with you. and that’s the hard part. i remember when i was in that position. where my feelings overwhelmed me and i got jealous and feelings…can bring out the worst in you sometimes.
sometimes i think you still think i’m pursuing you. bet your parents feel the same way. and it’s hard to make a good impression when they don’t know my parents or my story. i wonder if they think i’m being a good friend to you.
i guess i want someone who will pursue my heart the way God does. but why am i so adamant to find someone now when i’m not remotely ready for a relationship? is it because all my friends are in one and i feel peer-pressured?
i think it’s just human nature. to yearn. to be loved. to be cared for in a special way. to have a connection built on a foundation of love and trust the way that our parents have shown us in their marriage—tho yes, marriage is not for everyone.
i don't think you need my permission to fall in love with someone else. that’s on you. but i hope that i’m not something that’s holding you back. i think, you’d have so much fun going on a date with someone. someone who can make you laugh. someone who you find easy to talk to and spend time with. someone beautiful with a heart of gold.
but it hurt a lot. when you said that you don’t remember that wonder of liking someone. maybe four years of wondering what the heck we are has made the feelings lost in translation.
silly, but when i look into your eyes, they still light up so warm and i feel eleven and shy again like the first time we met.
it’s weird. i get emotional a lot over the people i love. can’t talk about my parents or my sister without bawling because i’d do just about anything for them.
and now you’re one of those people. and i’m frustrated beyond anything. because i’m only twenty-two and i still pray for you and your family, but i know it would hurt so badly if you kissed someone else. if you said i love you to someone else.
why does love do that to you? i don’t think i know anything about love. i know that i love you a lot though. but it’s something i won’t say outloud. funny how it used to be something we said so easily after every phone call, after every hug.
i think your siblings can tell. when i came over, i think your brother glanced at you for a second and gosh, my eyes give everything away don’t they. i remember…when you came over in January. when i wasn’t doing well. my sister started crying after you had gone home because we were talking about you. and she said that there was something about the way you looked at me.
maybe love runs out sometimes. but i hope you find that wonder again. i hope you find it with the right person who can make your heart run miles a minute.
I know you hear me say it all the time, but I love you. I've loved you ever since I was 10 years old, and I'll love you until the end of time. Some things never change, like how you always go out of your way to choose Peanut M&Ms instead of the regular ones, or how you make fun of me for loving Air Supply, even though you like them too. Or how your eyes light up when you bake with me, or when you hug me after I hadn't seen you for a while. I think my whole life was leading to you, even when I thought you were gone. You're always there. I can't even explain it. It's like our souls are entwined or something crazy like that. I wish the words "I love you" could even convey the profound emotion that I have for you. It's like you're the warmth of the sun when you're a little bit cold, or finally getting into bed after a long day. It's like a breath of fresh air in the fall, and the way that I feel when I see the leaves change in the fall, or flowers starting to grow in the spring. It's like the way that I feel when you laugh, or smile, and I can't help myself from thinking about how lovely and wonderful and beautiful you really are. And how much I want to see you smile forever. I know now why poets are still finding new ways to describe love, because as we grow, our knowledge of the feeling grows as well, and I can continue to describe you with all of the wonders I continue to discover in the world. Change was scary to me. Now, I know that it's beautiful.
When everything changes, I still have you, and you still have me. You mean the world to me, and I can't wait to see you again.
P.S. I love you D.