I never got to hold your hand.

When she asks me what I'm thinking about, the answer, though unspeakable, is always you. Or the idea of you. Or the promise of you. Or the feelings you've very purposely made me feel. Something about you, inevitably.

If I can't have you, I want it to stop. I want my stubborn mind to forget about you. I want my merciless, stupid heart to kick you out.

Because falling in love while already in love truly is the lover's worst nightmare; and the mourning of a love unrequited that disturbed a love requited is the loneliest of them all, its tears the most shameful.

People sometimes tell me I look distracted these days.

I make something up, but I want really want to grab them by the shoulders, and shake them as I say to their faces

of course I am, have you seen her, dammit, have you seen her?

March 5, 2018. I shook her hand. She shook my heart, my mind and my life.

You came along out of nowhere, at the worst possible time. Made me question my whole life in a matter of hours. Not as fun as it sounds.

So I knew that with you, it was all or nothing. No mere friendship was or is possible. My feelings for you are way too intense for that.

I knew all that going in, so I went all in. All out. You said we can be friends - no, we can’t. I won’t be mere friends with the woman of my dreams. 

No regrets. I won’t apologize for telling you how amazing you are to me.

But I still yearn for you with indescribable passion.

You came out of nowhere.

I’ve never met someone as kind-hearted, as faithful and funny and genuine and mature. You’d be just right. I wouldn’t be afraid of loving you, I think.

And for the first time, I would have said something. I would tell you, I think. As scary as it is, I would. If only, if only, if only.

But the time isn’t right, and I don’t want to hurt you.

So let’s just be friends, okay? Good, good friends.

I have social anxiety, so talking isn't my strong point. But talking with you makes me smile. And although I stumble over my words a few times, you never laugh at me. You are patient and you understand what I'm trying to get across. Sometimes finishing my train of thought, or explaining a concept that I was trying to convey in a more simple way. Talking has become a bit easier when you're around. Although I'm a much better writer, than I am a speaker, I still never know how to perfectly describe you.

i'm dead tired and i can't stop thinking about how much i want to cuddle with you

Considering my awkwardness, and your awkwardness, we could make some people really uncomfortable.

Looked her up on social media, again.

Discovered another insanely cool thing about her, again.

Saw her frustratingly pretty little stunning face, again.

I have to not do this, again.