The worst thing that I've ever done was what I did to you. I can never make it up to you. I can never take it back. It's been so long that I'm sure it doesn't hurt anymore. And you probably don't think of me hardly ever these days. And I guess that's why I wrote all those horrible things. How I lied to you. I was already used to being left behind and forgotten, that I didn't even realize what I was doing would hurt you.
And you cried.
You would bawl your eyes out over me. Your broken voice and your whimper. I sit alone and it echoes off the walls in my head now.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," is literally all I can do and think. I deserved every horrible thing you gave back to me. But the worst thing you ever did was leave thinking that I never loved you.
I always have.
I loved your morning voice. I loved your hugs and kisses. I loved the moments you made me your own. I loved just sitting with you, watching TV, maybe a walk. And that Halloween. I loved how soft your skin was and how you would laugh at me. I loved how hard you tried and how much you cared. I loved the way you would cheer me up or make me laugh. I loved getting high with you and just being toxic. I loved how you would understand. I loved how you would always figure ways out to improve us. I loved the way you smelled and the times you touched my face. I loved that you loved me even when I couldn't love myself. I loved that you didn't forgive me and that you moved on.
I love that you're happy now.
If I am ever going to get you, it won’t be like this. It won’t be me obsessing over you and agonizing over every crumb, every scrap, every hint of a hint of a sign. I am letting you go. I won’t stalk your socials and I won’t visit this site anymore. It’s time to detach from you completely. Find better ways to invest my energy. And maybe after mental clarity and distance, if you ever decide to reach out to me, I will know that what we had was real. If you don’t, I’m better off. It’s time to finally end this chapter and move on. Goodbye.
I find you beautiful no matter what...
Your eyes capture my heart in a way that no woman can ever capture. Physically they are beautiful
However the depth they carry...
I see virtue in your eyes.
I see goodness and kindness.
I see sincerity and strength.
I see love and softness.
I see pain and trials.
I see maturity and wisdom.
I see how God has moulded you into a girl who is breathtakingly beautiful
I see shyness and modesty
I see someone who I really admire and respect
Being around people was draining for me. I hated being in crowded places. I preferred staying home and enjoying time alone. After meeting you, I found myself in the crowded places I once loathed, secretly hoping for the teeny-weeny chance of running into you.
One of the things that made me so infatuated with you was the thought that I could learn so much from you. You could have taught me so much and I would have soaked it up. I always wished I had someone wiser than me to learn something from. You’re so knowledgeable in things that really interest and pertain to me. I just wanted that a lot.
Whether you like me or not, I hope you know that my absence isn't an implication of me losing interest in you. I think about you everyday, but everything in my life right now is sort of falling apart, and I don't want you to get involved in this mess too. So wait for me love. I'll come back soon like I always have.
I deserve so much better.
I deserve a guy who is excited to call me his girlfriend, not someone who wants to “keep it casual” for over 4 months.
I deserve a guy who wants to spend time with me, not someone who puts me last on their priority list.
I deserve a guy who calls me beautiful and makes me feel like the only girl in the world, not someone who constantly comments about how hot other women are and rarely ever hands out compliments to me.
I derserve a guy who enjoys doing thoughtful things for me, not someone who “forgot” or won’t do something for me because it’s not convenient.
I deserve a guy who reassures me about our relationship because he knows about my anxiety, not someone who thinks it’s fine to suddenly act different and then have no explanation why.
I deserve a guy who validates my feelings and let’s me know how they feel, not someone who gives one word responses when I’m bearing my soul to them.
I deserve a guy who puts in the same amount of effort that I do, not someone who puts in the bare minimum.
I deserve someone who makes me happy, not someone who makes me cry every night before I fall asleep.
I deserve better.
I deserve so much better.
I think meeting you might be the biggest gift the world has ever given me. I don't know how you did it but you made me look at myself and where I was going wrong, the things I'd been conditioned to believe that weren't healthy. You revealed my codependency and with this I worked on myself to become more independent. I'm not totally healed, but I can manage on my own, and I don't need one particular person or to be in a romantic relationship. I do believe in interdependence, I do need to be connected with others and I believe the quality of our relationships with other people is what makes our life meaningful and a source of much happiness.
I want to have some kind of connection with you because I love you and cherish you. You are beautiful and special and I love who I am even more when I'm around you. You feel like home, you make me feel more alive. I fucking love you.