Why do I believe so much that we will be together? You don’t pay any attention to me. It makes no sense for me to feel that you’re going to reach out soon. You give no indications of this and yet I can’t shake the feeling that it’s coming rather soon now. I’ve had too many signs and synchronicities this week to blow it off.

I can’t tell anyone how I feel or how sure I am of you. They would call me crazy. They would tell me to let it go. They would point out the lack of supporting evidence for my theory of you and I. My sureness about this upcoming reunion defies all logic.

I must be crazy, holding on to this belief that you’re still coming for me. I have zero real evidence to back that up. It is pure faith. I believe you do love me.

I only ever write here anymore when I feel like I absolutely can’t hold it in. I can’t hold it in. That video. Oh my God that video turned my heart into pudding. You are so special. God I hope people make you aware of how special you are. I wish I could love you and hug you and kiss you and take care of you. You’re so special. Please don’t ever change.

There is no doubt that my life is a mess. 

You were just a distraction from the bigger things I keep avoiding. 

You were a catalyst for change but you were never the final answer.

Strange to be a woman.

A bottomless well, quickly emptied.

Even with joy and gratitude, still some needs unmet. Still so many secrets unknown. Still a longing Thirst.

Don’t accuse me of unfaithfulness— It is not me. Nor disloyalty; it is not my colour.

Indeed I strive to be a pillar of righteousness. To be faithful and honest in all things. To be fair and behave queenly.

Still— to be a woman is to be in longing. To be in doubt. Aware of the hole in the pit of the soul, however small, every woman is born with it and bears it out all her days. Where no man can reach Nor fill. Most men are unaware of its existence and we try to maintain this facade.

We do not wish to be ”too much”. To demand too much or desire too much nor need too much because men scare and tire easily and will not endure it for long.

But there you have it. The truth of it all. Deny it if it will help you, but these words will haunt you in their knowing.

—girl who has been here too long

Whenever I have something I want to tell you, I just write it here. And when I really let myself feel that it's like the wind is blowing straight through an empty space in my chest where a full heart ought to be. I wish I could just talk to you instead.

I fell in love with you, that's all. Didn't plan to. Didn't expect to. Sure didn't want to, believe me. It was so painful.

But I did all the same.

I fell in love with you.

How I wish you could see the potential,

The potential of you and me.

It’s like a book elegantly bound but,

In a language that you can’t read just yet...

I sent him the letter word for word that I wrote here,...I bared my heart and soul full well knowing he could strike me down so easily.

Now I see him regularly and I think he's the one.

Take the risk you guys...it may not turn out the way you want but if you don't you will never know. Living a life of regret is far worse than putting your neck on the chopping block momentarily.

Just do it. Send them your letter.

i loved you at your darkest.

you walked away and took all the stars in the night sky with you.

i remember it so vividly.

I remember the empty feeling.

once again, someone leaving me behind.

i lost myself.

always having to kiss a bottle to end my days.

but you see, Vodka was easier to swallow then the fact that you weren’t coming back.

“Don’t forget, you still mean everything to me.”

i can still hear your voice telling me that.

as if it just happened.

life’s a funny thing, taking us on new paths.

yet i’m still bumping into you.

souls don’t speak. yet ours spoke fluently.

yet it feels forbidden for us to speak the words our souls are saying.

I wish...

i don’t even know..

~McKinzie S