I really like it when I have a burst of clarity and realize that I'm over a crush...like... glad that nonsense is over. Back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.
I have always, and I mean ALWAYS, been the type of person who hides behind my hair. The only time I've worn it up since middle school has been alone in my apartment where I knew no one would see me. And not just that, but I have ALWAYS felt the need to curl or straighten it in order to distract from my own personal insecurities. You do what you can type of thing, you know?
Well last night my best friend's grandfather died, and I was up until way past morning light taking care of her and making sure she was alright. After only two hours of sleep, I got up and decided 'screw it', then threw my hair into a ponytail.
I dreaded walking through the doors of work, knowing that everyone would have some sort of reaction or comment to make. I bit my lip the entire drive in panicking about it.
When I first rounded the corner past his desk he stated "Holy shit.." and I kind of gave him an insecure smile. He put down what he was working on, stood up, and walked over to me. "Holy shit.." he repeated.
I was about to walk away, totally embarrassed at how much of a mess I looked, until he said "Everyone knew you were cute, but I never realized you were this cute!" He chuckled, then cocked his head to the side. "You should wear your hair back more!"
And I've honestly never felt so on top of the world.
What I dream of is a great love, a love bigger than you and me. An all-consuming love that makes our existence feel like it's more than what it is.
I have got to stop falling for someone just because they flirted with me once or twice. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE GOT TO STOP
Today I mentioned that I have never been on a date before, and you looked at me dumb-founded.
"You have had two long-term boyfriends since I met you." you said, and I looked down in shame.
"Yeah, and they both started with me staying the night at their houses." I confessed.
You paused for a moment, then you spoke with a softened voice "22 years, and no one has ever had the decency to take you on a date?"
I shook my head, and you let out a barely audible growl. After a moment you finally said "Well, just so you know, I know multiple people who would empty their bank accounts to accompany you on a proper date."
And then our manager directed your attention to a customer at the register, and you gave me a half-sweet, half-sad smile and walked away.
I like to think this is a promising sign.
Sometimes I take mental snapshots of your eyes because I want to remember the way they glow when they peer into mine. As if you love me. As if your eyes are giving away your secrets.
i'm pursuing you, and by pursuing you i mean sitting near you every day until you talk to me
Someone wrote a letter on (1/23) realizing we are growing up with LTC. And looking back I realized I experienced all my firsts with LTC. Over the years, I saved all my letters in a bookmarks folder on my computer.
My first letter to a crush in 8th grade.
The letter after my first kiss.
The nervous letter before I went to my first high school dance.
The letter to my first real boyfriend.
The hopeful letter before I left for my first year of college.
The letter after my first break up.
The letter after my first real heart break when my Olivia died.
The letter after I lost my virginity.
The letter of pure excitement over my sister's engagement.
The letter before my first real "he picks you up and pays for you" date.
The letter to my first real Valentine.
The letter after my college graduation dreaming of what or really who is out there for me.
And then so many in between to crushes, friends, family, myself, but mostly to all of you LTC people. Each one building bridges through my life filling in the feelings of love, hope, sadness, excitement, loneliness, happiness, passion, anger. All of them are written with such unabashed emotion, I know due to an unbelievably, wonderful and accepting community.
Without realizing it LTC gave me portal to go back in time. Looking back at all of my letters is like reading my own love story. And you know what, I think it is pretty damn beautiful so far.