I don’t think you fully grasp that this wasn’t just me finding a woman beautiful and smart and funny and fascinating.

That this wasn't just attraction.

That this wasn’t even in the same dimension as any of that, of what is now, to me, “the usual stuff”.

What it was is this:

For a fleeting instant, you made me feel something I’d never felt before. Something so rare that I feel I could have gone through several lifetimes and yet never experience.

For a fleeting instant, without you even knowing or trying, you made me touch the universe.


There’s nothing romantic about him, nothing sultry or sexy or whatever. He has no charisma and does everything awkwardly. He’s 6’4” and skeletally thin. He moves like he’s still not comfortable with the length of his body, despite being 21 years old and having been his current height for the past nine years or so. But I love the way he always paces around the room, I love the sound of his laugh, I love how he bobbles his head whenever he says something he thinks is clever. I love his scruffy facial hair, his perfectly straight teeth that are stained by a slight coffee addiction, his warm eyes that look beautiful with or without his glasses, the veins that pulse and bulge from his forearms. I love the timbre of his low voice, and the sing-song manner of his voice when he speaks. I love how effortlessly he can create beautiful music and beautiful drawings, how comfortable he is with a pen and paper in his hand. Every time he sits or stands too close to me, I try to keep some distance between us. I’m afraid of being too close to him. I’m afraid he’ll hear my heart pounding or see me shaking. But maybe, if I stopped pulling away anytime he got too close, just maybe I’d find that he’s shaking too, that his heart is pounding as well.

You're out there somewhere... aren't you?

The one I missed while I spent the better part of a decade with someone else's person. The one who still appears in my dreams; faceless but familiar.

I keep looking for you; and my heart lights up at each moment I feel you near me. Out of reach, but pulling me toward. I grow weary of all these apps and putting myself out there daily. Of loving myself and wanting to share this love and joy with you. I want to hold you close and show you there is still beauty in this world; and make our place in it.

I'm tired, but I still shuffle forward in hopes that you're looking for me too. That you haven't given in to the same voice that demands we give up.

Find me when you're ready- I know I am.


what i want more than anything:

to drive aimlessly with you, playing amazing and terrible songs, singing enthusiastically

to spend a lazy day with you, sitting nearly on top of each other, playing video games and watching netflix

to wake up next to you and make you coffee to sip on while i make you a big breakfast

to go hiking with you, not caring how sweaty we get, to hold your hand as you help me over logs slippery with moss

to get wine drunk and giggly with you, laughing too hard to finish our sentences

to be your best friend, sharing our weakest moments and proudest achievements, you knowing me better than i know myself, sharing the dumbest jokes, bantering like an old married couple, being deeply and indefinitely connected

what i want more than anything:

you

How to prevent catching feels (Not clickbait):

1)realize that no one is perfect and we all have bad habits, and that it’s not healthy to put people on a pedestal

2)realize you don’t care about that person’s imperfections and catch the feels anyway

3)realize that this wasn’t any help I’m sorry

i dreamt about you last night and now my romantic frustration is through the roof

There's a world in my mind that has you and I laughing together, having fun, kissing each other on the cheeks and going on so many adventures we can't pick a favorite.

There's a world in my mind that has my hand in yours as we go hiking, going on cute dinner dates where all we can see is the sparkle in each other's eyes, and the light glimmer of your smile as I make you laugh while we're just sitting, talking, and doing our own thing.

There's a world in my mind that intertwines with your world, and I'm sad it can't be a reality.

-Kei

I’m going to start singing again. You gave me nothing else, left me broken and destroyed. But in all the hatred, tears, and destruction.. I found my voice again. Thank god you broke my heart.

whether they’re friends, crushes, or strangers, I’m going to advise you to look, really look at the people around you.

when you get the chance, try and see every fleck of color in the iris of someone’s eye, and how they light up when their favorite things are mentioned. pay attention to their mannerisms, how they look when they try to stifle a laugh, when they finally understand something difficult that took them ages, or when they’re given a compliment.

don’t forget all the little mannerisms, they can remind you of just how intricately made every other person is— how they run a hand through their hair when they’re nervous or embarrased, or how their gaze flicks away somewhere else while they think mid-conversation.

remember how their words fall together as they speak, and how their voices go up and down in such funny little melodies.

pay attention to people, more than necessary. you’re going to find a lot more beauty just about everywhere.

I was going throught all of my old phones tonight and came across a bunch of photos and videos I never uploaded. It honestly hurt seeing 14 year old me so insecure and not loving herself. I am here to tell you, you are beatiful. Not everyone is going to think it, but you are you. There is no other you. You were made and created in your own special way. I wish I could of told my younger self this. 14 year old me hated herself. She would try and follow makeup tutorials off of YouTube trying to feel prettier, style her hair different ways to feel prettier, dress a certain way to try and feel prettie but nothing worked. My smile in every single one of my pictures back then was so fake, I was hardly ever actually smiling. I was in such a dark place at that time and no one even knew but me. I am here to tel you though it does get better. For all the young ones on here that are either in middle or high school please understand life gets better, learn to love yourself and be confident in the person you are. I am now 23 and fully starting to love myself more and more. I am not where I want to be but I am definitely not where I used to be.

- the girl who can finally smile