I got under the covers, and we just stared at each other for a minute.
“Why are you so far away from me?”
“I didn’t know if you’d want me to be close to you or not.”
“Oh come here.” He pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him tight, and we let our legs and feet intertwine.
He kissed the top of my head and breathed in deep before he said, “goodnight”.
I woke up the next morning with his arms still around me.
How could I not have feelings for him?
I fell in love with you without even realizing I did, one late night last November.
It wasn't quite love at first sight - close, but not quite. I thought you were pretty the moment I saw you and wondered if anything could come of us - but I didn't know just how much I would love you until I started talking to you. You were smart and kind and funny, and you matched every one of my lighthearted jokes with one of your own. I'd never met anyone like you before. I never once had to explain myself to you; you understood me before I even understood myself, and I walked away from that night thinking that you were someone I wanted to keep in my life forever.
I didn't know it then, but that was the moment I fell in love with you - on the night we met, three hours and a short drive's worth of conversation held between us. I have loved you since then, and sometimes it feels like I'll love you forever.
Sometimes, it feels like we were made for each other. Like everything that's ever happened in my life has led me to you. You are everything I never knew I wanted, everything I needed without knowing it. Painting my future in all of your colours feels right.
There are so many things that I want: I want to hold your hand, lace my fingers through yours, kiss the ridged line of your knuckles. I want to be held in your arms and hear your heartbeat echo in the empty spaces of my own. I want to tuck your hair behind your ear, so lightly that you can barely feel it. I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up and the last one I say goodnight to. I want to watch you as you dream, my breath catching in my throat - you will always, always be more beautiful that I can remember you being.
And other things, too - things that are bigger than just you and me and the air that we breathe. I want you to take me to your hometown, show me all the places tucked into your heart, every piece of land that held you as you were growing up. I want to learn - about all the people you've given a piece of yourself to, every scar you have written into your skin, every shard of your heart that you've left behind, broken. I want to go places with you, explore new corners of the world with your hand in mine.
One day, I want to marry you. I want to see our world turn to silken lace and lilac, gold gleaming around our fingers. I want to see you walk down the aisle, see you draped in blushing blossoms and shooting-star white. God, you're so beautiful. I'd read aloud my love to you, to the whole world; a promise made now and forever. I'd kiss you in front of everyone we love, and no one would ever look at us and think that we weren't meant to be together.
E = hv
me : I really gotta stop crushing on her
her : tells me about her day
me : IM IN LOVE AGAIN
Everything seems to be telling me to move forward into something new. Start a new chapter.
“Perfect time to move forward safely.”
“A fragile new beginning related to something unexpected.”
And it could be that maybe I should take these hints to start working out again. Maybe the feeling I’ve been having that my time at my current job is drawing to a close, is trying to confirm itself to me.
Or maybe..maybe it has to do with you.
I absolutely loathe just how easily I get attached and invested in someone. I feel so intensely even from the fleetest of moments.
My dear ones,
It's been a few years since I've been on here. I was deeply, agonizingly in love with a boy who saw me only as a friend (I know so many of you can relate). Then I left college. Went to grad school across the country. And while I was there, I met someone else.
Someone I'm living with now. Someone who has never left me wondering how he feels or what he wants. Someone who talks about us in forever terms. We want the same things in life, we're on the same page. He's warm and funny and dorky and artistic and fit and can cook and plays guitar and loves animals... He is what I want. And I know that I am what he wants, which is even better.
I just want you guys to feel a bit of hope. There's a person out there for you. And you might not know them yet. They might be on the other side of the country, or they might be down the street. Live your lives, do your thing, be brave and adventurous and tell others what you want, and you'll find them too.