I used to write here a lot when I was younger (and I do mean a lot). So much has changed for me since then. None of the people I used to write letters about are around in my life anymore. I guess that's the thing about growing up, you spend your teenage / early adult years worrying about all these things that feel so life and death at the time, and then you look back at them and wonder why you ever let them stress you like that. All the things I experienced with them were real. From the happiness and fun, to the heartbreak and pain and worry. But I definitely learned a lot about how to tell which people in your life are meant to be transitory. I've learned so much I didn't know when I was only seventeen years old. And I know I have much still to learn.

And am thankful I bookmarked all these old letters I wrote, because I can see how far I have come within myself. So I write this for everyone who has checked letters to crushes just to see if anyone still writes here, like I just did. I write this for everyone who still puts their heart out here.

This pain is real. Whatever brought you to this webpage is real. Feel it. All of it, no matter how bad it hurts. Feel it deeply. Because it is only temporary. And the sooner you feel it, the sooner you conquer it, the less messy it will be for you later. The less it'll drag on. The less you'll have to get over it.

Remember that you accept the kind of love you think you deserve - if you think you deserve better, then accept nothing less. Those who truly deserve your love will understand and hear what you need. Those who don't will see themselves out. It will hurt when they do - but don't stop them. They're telling you who they are and you should listen.

But cherish the good moments. Even if that person hurts you in the end, or if you decide your friendship / relationship cannot last. Because those moments of laughter and fun and joy and happiness will always be real. So will the dark ones, but if you keep hold of only the good ones, then you will always look back fondly.

And never dull your shine for anyone else, no matter what.

Do you ever find yourself having like a lowkey crush on someone you know but then you're also like: "lol I'm probably not their type"

im sorry im so shy. i really do adore you.

Is it too late for us to start over

Too late for one more chance?

Too late for trying harder

Too late for one more dance?

Do you miss me like I miss you?

I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them even if they were never meant to be in your life forever.

If you want to get your crush’s attention, try and really figure out what they are putting out in the world. Usually, whatever they are putting out in the world is what they need from others. 

If they enjoy heated discussions or debates, they probably desire someone they can have a mental connection with. Ask them what they think about a certain subject and give them the chance to engage with you over some topic that matters to them. 

If they spend most of their time caring for others, they might be longing for someone to care for them. Do something kind for them like buy their favorite drink out of the vending machine and tell them the machine gave you the wrong one but you noticed them drinking it before. That also lets them know in a subtle way that you pay attention to them.

If they are always trying to make sure people are comfortable they probably need someone else to make them comfortable. How are they comforting others? Do that for them. You’d be surprised at how easy it might be to talk to them once they feel comfortable with you.

If they enjoy humor, send memes.

If they love music, share a favorite song.

If they check up on people, check up on them.

If they volunteer, see how you can help.

Recognize what they do and who they are.

Get to know them. You don’t have to approach them and confess your undying love. That looks a little selfish anyway if you haven’t even taken the time to really know them. Know them as a person and a friend and let them know you see them and they matter. You may get to know them and realize they aren’t really your cup of tea. You may discover you really connect and relate to them. Take the pressure off and just try to be a friend. If they reject friendship, even casual friendship, they aren’t really your person anyhow.

I like you, I miss you, I miss your face, your personality, god damn coronavirus!

We don't talk anymore because we can't talk in person, and I miss talking to you. I miss your quiet voice saying things that matter, and little details that could have been left unsaid, I'm glad they weren't though. I miss your awkward smile when I stutter and stumble over my words, I hope it wasn't obvious that it was because I was talking to you. I'm tired of initiating our conversations, but I am also tired of waiting. I want to know what you are feeling... how are you doing? Do you like me or is it all in my head?

one.

you noticed me. your voice... it just... gets to me.

it’s weird that you noticed me because I never would’ve guessed that from someone like you

but then you learned my name— quickly. And the other pieces fell into perspective

“attractive”

that’s... not a usual one.

.

two.

you’re a gem. an absolute treasure. the best find.

your heart seems light and pure. full of life and contentment. a joyful place to be.

“too cute”

maybe...

do you still want to chat? say hello?

you make me a little bashful.

.

three.

you’re a different, aren’t you?

you’re sanctified. set apart. it shows all over.

you’re bashful with a sense of humor hiding underneath, I think

you have a lot of life ahead of you

the nervousness in your voice.... it takes a lot to stand up and speak, doesn't it?

brave. faithful.

your voice. it’s sweet.

your eyes sparkle, too

I used to count the days I would see you. I lost count

but the amount of times you’ve spoken to me?

four. It’s four.

.

as time passes, it only gets more interesting.

why has life played out like this?

I’m unsure


ramble