her smile is imprinted on the back of my eyelids

After days of agonizing over whether or not I should text him... he did.

GUYS.

HE TEXTED ME FIRST.

what a special day.

we were never meant to be.

we were never supposed to grow old with each other. we were never supposed to live together in a cute little apartment. we were never going to get a dog together. you were never going to bring me lunch at work. i was never going to talk to you on the phone until we fell asleep.

we were never going to fall in love.


but goddamn it felt like it.

He looked me in the eyes tonight and told me he was in love with me.

I stared into his eyes and told him he would meet the right girl someday.

you are loved

You know how when you're falling in love with someone and everything is bright and full of hope and everything is just so beautiful -- the stars in the sky, the cold nose of your dog, the way your socks slide on the floor, the teenage girl who held the door open for you in Target, the way rain splashes on the surface of a pond -- everything is lovely and fresh and just tickles your soul?

I have that feeling.

I remember the very first time I met you. It's hard to forget the way the world halted as you looked into my eyes. You've always had that effect on me; even from day one.

I like that when you laugh, you instinctively put your hand over your nose and mouth; almost like a kitten.

And when you really laugh, your cheeks turn pink and your eyes become a dazzling emerald.

And I think about the time when I was followed to my car by some hollering boys after work, then told you about it the next day. You never let me walk to my car alone again.

Then when we went out for our friend's 23rd birthday party, and I had to be the designated driver because I was only 20. You stayed sober with me, just to make sure that I wasn't sitting alone all night.

And then when my 21st birthday came up, you took me downtown with my three best friends and, again, stayed sober the whole night through. You even carried me back to my car when I drunkenly sat down on the sidewalk because those stupid heels I had on were killing my feet.

Then the night when our whole friend group met up at your apartment for the first time, and you bit your lip nervously as I looked around the place. You didn't think I noticed...but I did.

Or when my ex-boyfriend and I split up, and he bullied me into letting him keep my prized possessions (just because I was exhausted, and it wasn't worth the fight), you took it upon yourself to show up on his doorstep demanding it back. Even though I was a little bit mad the next day because I had told you not to.

I like that when we're in a group of friends, you try so hard to make them laugh but can never seem to get the punch line quite right. I'm always going to laugh with you; if only because I live for that appreciative smile you give me every time.

Because five years later, I still get butterflies every time your name pops into my notifications. I still have to excitedly scream into my pillow every time you message me. I still make a point to wear my hair naturally wavy with my bangs pulled back; because you once said it looked nice that way.


Because five years later, I finally realize that you are more than a boy, and this is more than a crush.

I'm head over heels; and I've never been more terrified.

In the best way possible.

You gonna wife me or what?

dear universe, i'm going to give up on him. if i belong to him, then please make us happen. if not, then please let me forget him peacefully.

"...and the moral of the story is love what you have while you have it, and love it fiercely"

As our English teacher spoke, you lifted your head up and stared straight at me, eyes boring into my skin, from across the room.

If you have something to say, please say it now. I can't wait much longer.