y’all if someone likes you back, you will know

even the universe will tell you they like you back.

I cried this morning. I almost wanted to tell you to not go to my house. I couldn’t bear to see you after realizing that our relationship would look a lot more different.

It hit me really hard to hear that “I love you” couldn’t happen anymore.

But after I saw you, I realized we still had a strong friendship that we maintained. I don’t want to lose that, even if the romance doesn’t remain.

I love you, still. But I think the obsession is dying down a little. A lot more stable. I feel relieved, though.

You still consume my thoughts, and I can’t help but to daydream about you sometimes, but I feel a lot better.

always with love,

sailor

a friend

.

that’s what we are supposed to be, I think

.

and it is hard, when sometimes feelings change and it isn’t what you want

but it can’t change. I can’t let it

.

we’re friends. and it’s good. we laugh— a lot. and we have serious talks. and we ask each other every day how things have been. we talk about what’s important and good, and lately those every day texts are what helped to pull you out of a dark place.

you make me laugh. and sometimes make me mad. and when you’re not around, I notice

you’re doing so good for yourself. you’re better off than you’ve been in a long, long time

.

I’m comfortable, but I can’t let my guards down

I can’t tell you the whole whole story, even if I can tell you some pretty deep, dark thoughts and chapters... this far, I’ve mostly just listened, and I’m fine with that

.

I hope this doesn’t happen like it did the last couple of times. let’s not change. this is good. can it always be like this?


ramble

i’m letting you go. for my sake.

I must be somebody’s type

i’ve accepted that we are never going to work out and that’s it.

This guy kept staring at me from across the playground and I kept thinking oh Lord he’s one of those creeps that scout single moms at the park. My daughter eventually ran over to where he was so I followed. He said “hey thanks for pushing my son on the swing. It’s hard tending to four kids at a busy playground by yourself but I’ve been keeping an eye on him.” That opened up a conversation, as it usually does for me with random strangers in random places. His wife is terminally ill.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH. You never know the suffering people hide behind busyness and smiles. You never know when someone is screaming inside, praying for a sign that everything will be okay, praying for a miracle, in desperate need of some encouragement. No one is really okay. We all have these battles we are fighting every day. Every face you see is hiding some kind of pain. I’ve never met someone who is just okay.

Sometimes, normal dad at playground having fun with kids = dying wife and needed to give the kids a normal dad at playground experience.

Life is crazy.

i’m in love with my friends. i’m in love with my life.

this feeing is infinitely better than having a crush.

I’m turning 21 tomorrow, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never been in love. Here are some thoughts:

I’m okay with that, it has taken me a while to be okay with that. In high school I had so many, multiple crushes and was close to it being something with someone. It took me a long time to get over that person. I moved away for college, it’s been a lonely time and I’m embracing this time of loneliness and time for myself to find out who I am.

I haven’t had a crush in a long time, I get into a cycle and I guess I’m trying to focus on my mental health. I always fall for people that never feel the same way.

There’s a part of me that’s scared of that love, being vulnerable and someone knowing so much about you. Maybe it’s because I’m in a new place, and no one truly knows me here. Maybe I’m scared I’ll leave again and it’ll all be for nothing. I don’t know, I get ahead of myself.

Point is, 21 years. I’m trying to be okay with that. Someone, someday, maybe will know me like that and mean something so much to me. I’ll be patient, keep my heart hoping, but there’s a slight dilemma in my head. So I don’t know what I’m doing, I guess trying to keep my heart open while also focusing on myself. I don’t know if that’s achievable, but we’ll see what 21 brings. I hope it’s a little bit of both.

-A.P

I fell in love with a boy who never saw me. He was the first boy I thought was cute. I still wonder if he ever sees me now, anytime we pass each other.

Then I fell in love with a boy who waved back at me. He was the first boy to ever like me back. He taught me how to share my opinion. He taught me how to be listened to a respected. He taught me how to respect others I didn't agree with. He taught me how to say I love you. He taught me I love holding hands and giving hugs. He taught me to never settle just because it's a first love.

Then I fell in love with a boy who hardly said a word to me. He loved to fish and would sing off-key to his music when no one was looking. His face was serious and quiet but a sudden ray of sunshine when he laughed. He taught me how to be at peace within the world. He taught me how to accept the fate of liking someone who sees you but doesn't like you back.

Then I fell in love with a boy who I could hardly stand. It was more brotherly love than anything, and he taught me the joy of banter. No one have I ever picked on as much as that boy. He taught me to not take things too seriously. He taught me that some guys are just meant to be friends, and that having fun together doesn't mean you're in love with him.

Then I fell in love briefly with a boy who took me out dancing. He taught me how to feel confident and safe with my partner. He taught me what it's like to trust someone to take a leap of faith in something that seems scary. He taught me how to have fun even when I didn't know what I was doing. He taught me how I want to feel when I fall in love.

Now I've fallen in love with a boy who is never afraid to look at me. It's in his nature to make direct eye contact and to push social boundaries. He is impossible to read, and I can never tell if I am any different in his eyes than anyone else. He is teaching me to have confidence in who I am even if I'm not positive that I'm being seen. He's teaching me the courage to be purely myself even when it's unconventional or unexpected. He's teaching me to desire to be accepted as I truly am than to change to be noticed. He's teaching me to survive without him. That makes me love him more, and yet it teaches me I shouldn't let myself love him at all.