i'm sorry about such a long post but i had to get this off my chest.
one of the things i hate most is when expectations are laid upon a person being crushed on when they really shouldn't be. i don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but as a girl i have come across it more than once while growing up.
for example. i recently found out a guy i don't have feelings for has a crush on me, and when my friends found out too, they were all like 'you should go out with him.' and when i said 'why' they replied 'because he likes you. you should give him a chance. you might like him.'
no. i do not like him and i cannot help that. it is cruel but it is not my fault. i cannot make feelings that aren't there suddenly appear for someone no matter how hard i try. they are his feelings for him to deal with. not me. i cannot say sorry for something i haven't done wrong. i have not led him on in any way. if anything, ever since i suspected he had feelings for me i have actually been more distant with him than anyone else. if i took it any further i'd have to completely ignore him and that's just uncalled for.
if you don't feel the same way about someone, absolutely nothing should be expected of you.
i feel like we live in a society where people, especially women, are made to feel like we 'owe it' to a guy to go out with him just because that guy is crushing on us. you don't owe anything to anyone. if you don't like someone, you don't like someone. it's like we're made to feel bad for not having feelings towards someone even though it can't be helped.
'but he likes you. why don't you like him too?' 'because i don't.'
i know. i know. it sounds horrible and mean but what are you to do? you cannot force something if it's not there. i'm not suggesting you be mean to someone who is crushing on you (in fact, if they tell you they are crushing on you, you should as kindly as possible tell them you don't feel the same way). i'm just saying if you don't feel the same way there should be no expectations of you, and no guilt because you have done nothing wrong.
it just got me really annoyed because any time something like this happens, i am always made to feel guilty and always made to feel like it's down to me to do something.
'hey this guy you have treated no different from anyone else and have no feelings for has a crush on you. poor guy, what are you gonna do about it? you should go out with him anyway to make him feel better.'
it sounds ridiculous when you put it into direct terms like this doesn't it; but that's basically what people are telling you when they make out like it's your problem. people are only going to get even more hurt if you entertain their feelings and try and pretend, because the truth will come out in the end. and besides, you shouldn't feel like you have to 'settle' with someone just because they like you. there'll be other people that like you. people that you like back.
this isn't one way either. i live my life by the same rules.
if i have a crush on a guy and he doesn't feel the same way, that is my problem to deal with, and they are my emotions to unpick. i expect nothing from the guy i am crushing on because it is not his problem that i have developed feelings for him if he doesn't feel the same way.
obviously, if someone has led you to believe they like you too that is toying with someone's emotions and that is a completely different thing; but if someone hasn't given you any signs of liking you back then you can't expect anything from them.
in conclusion. when someone finds out someone they don't have feels for is crushing on them. don't make the person being crushed on feel bad about it and like they 'owe' them something.
sorry for ranting guys, and i know this might be a mean sounding and unpopular opinion but i just needed to get it off my chest.
please comment if you feel the same (or even if you don't) and let me know if any of you girls or guys have had similar experiences of everyone having expectations of you in situations like this.
it would be really interesting to know what other people think and if this is something anyone else has encountered because i feel like it's an area of 'crushing' that no one ever seems to talk about.
The night you said you loved me I was drunk. It was passover, I had probably about a bottle of wine, and me and my sister were giggling on the balcony in the bronx. We had been texting, but my texts were getting increasingly less coherent as the night went on. You asked if you could call me, and I snuck away from the four hour dinner to the outdoor hallway in complete darkness, only me, my phone, and the faint sounds of the city. I remember holding my phone up to my ear, and wondering what you were going to say, we had been dating a while and I already knew I loved you, but my lack of emotional tendencies meant both you and I weren't going to say it. On the phone, you called and said you missed me, you missed my voice, and how was the dinner. You sounded soft and fuzzy and far away, and I remember you telling me about your cats antics earlier that day. I was so happy to talk to you I was spinning around, dancing and laughing in the way that being wine drunk makes you laugh. We were concluding the call, when you slipped it in. You sounded shy, and I wasn't sure if I had heard you right, but i said it back. I felt like my heart was doing backflips into the hudson when you laughed and said it again, with more conviction. The relief between us was tangible, and I replayed that conversation in my head for the entire rest of the night, between washing dishes, putting my brother to bed, and shooing the older guests out the door. I made you send me a voice memo of you saying it to me so I could replay it over and over and over and over.
I still have it on my phone, I discovered the other day. It's been about 6 months since that night, and since then we've both left home for college. We're still friends of course, but staying together 300 miles away would be too hard, we decided. Every day I miss you so bad, and when I found that voice memo on my phone I lost it, I just laid on my bed and couldn't control my sobs.
But it's good to save things like that. I still love you, but of course I would never tell you. But maybe you have a voice memo of me saying it. I've sent it to you a bunch of times, and maybe. Maybe we still take comfort in hearing the other say I love you. Maybe.
I'm sorry but we would be the worst RomCom ever. If we were a movie, people would throw popcorn at the screen after seeing how it ends.
Open credits. Boy meets girl across the room, instantly falls in love. (clique and cheesy I know, but that's what happened.)
I (girl) fall in love with your family and spend my all my time there, escaping my own problems. You have a not so secret crush on me, I know but don't say anything about it, maybe cause we are 14 and I'm awkward.
We talk all day everyday, we see each other everyday. You start slipping into some bad depression. As you put it "I can always unload all my depressing shit on you and somehow you still leave with a smile. You're the only one I can talk to about this because I don't feel like I'm ruining you as well."
As we get older, I take you on your first date. We have a lot of fun, mini golfing and eating hamburgers and laughing at my bad driving. You are still my best friend. And I'll see you tomorrow at your house, we will watch Harry Potter and eat your mom's "famous french toast"
I start dating my first boyfriend and we stop seeing each other as much. I didn't realize I was killing you inside. But after 2 short months that ends and all returns to normal. You keep making any excuse to see me and I make it really easy.
This pattern continues for a while, I find a guy, you get upset and say you will ask me out then you lose the courage and never do. On New Years also your birthday, our friends are trying to get me to kiss you. I was hesitant, but as you were leaving I ran to your car ready to kiss you. I lost my courage and instead wished you a happy birthday.
A long while later, I don't see you as often, your depression is getting worse and I'm getting more worried about you. I wait outside of your house in my car waiting for you to get home so I can tell you I care and to give you a hug.
We are in your room, you are holding me in your arms, my stomach is sick with butterflies. Kiss me already, we have waited years. Just do it. Our lips almost touching, I leaned all the way in, the build up for this epic most awaited kiss has been like 10 minutes I swear. Our lips brush and my head explodes, my world goes white and I feel light headed with feelings. You pull away. We never kissed.
You start dating a great girl, I'm crushing on you. She breaks your heart and later you find out she is pregnant, with a girl, I will become this baby girls godmother on her fathers (your) side. You are heart broken and need space. I know this, and I date other guys now.
You get up the courage and have had enough of me not being yours. Everyone is rooting for you and I to be together for all these years.
It's 6 years after we met, you are standing at the alter. I'm in a wedding gown. My father is walking me down the aisle. It's a beautiful October day, the weather is perfect. I'm asked if "I do". My eyes meet yours, all our memories flash before me. You are standing 2 people behind my husband. One of the groomsmen. Meeting my husbands eyes I say "I do".
Credits roll. The End.
He gave me permission to meme his pictures "to my heart's content." This is modern love, guys.
haven't thought about you in months, but there's always something that brings you back to mind. something that makes me constantly wonder about you for days on end, until the thoughts fade again. like the other day just one off hand mention of your name has me wondering once again, wondering what you're up to, wondering how you've been. wondering what if. wondering if we'll ever cross paths again.
I'd always thought the colours would clash - my ebony skin next your angel white arm.
we looked fucking perfect.
If there's one thing I've learned over many years and many crushes, it is that you've got to tell people what you feel. Notice that I did not say "confess your undying love" or even "say you like them". Sometimes it's as simple as expressing gratitude for someone's guidance, support, and kindness. Sometimes it's admitting that a friendship really means a lot to you, a mentor really helped you grow, or that a crush makes you feel something new. Whatever it is...say it. It's scary but it is worth it. Nine times out of ten the person will be touched and flattered. Maybe they'll even respond with something that'll surprise you. The words you don't say are what keep you up at night for years after. They're the unspoken words behind your silent tears. The words you never said will haunt you far more than the words you did say. Take it from someone who knows from far too much experience (In both situations).
Don't give up.
3500 miles, 2 violently disapproving parents, 4 years apart plus 3 years struggling together and we're finally doing it. We have jobs, we have cars, we have a house, and in a few days I'll be asking for her hand in marriage too.
If we can do it, anyone can.
Hang in there.
Sometimes I try to convince myself I don't really like you. I pretend that you don't pop into my mind 1000 times every day. I pretend that the thought of you doesn't make my heart speed up and put a smile on my face. I pretend that I just think of you as a really good friend. I pretend that I don't want anything more.
But then.....but then I see you. Or you send me a text. Or I somehow convince myself that I should send you a text. And in that brief moment I cannot deny to myself that I feel myself slowly but surely longing to have you wrap your arms around me.
I can't say that I love you; I am still too young and naive I think to truly know what it means to be in love. What I do know however, is that you make the butterflies in my stomach awaken, you make me laugh and forget my stresses, you make me feel excited for the future, you make me feel good about myself.
At the moment, I am not brave enough to tell you how I feel. At times I think to myself that "today is the day", and I think that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to muster enough courage, but it never happens. Maybe one day I will find that bravery and courage, or maybe I never will, and next year when we are no longer together in the same place, I will be kicking myself for not being able to speak up. Who knows?
For now I just want to say thank you. Thank you for making me happy, for lifting my spirits when they were at all time lows, for sticking with me throughout all these years and being a wonderful and supportive friend. Maybe one day I'll know what it feels like to be in your embrace; or maybe you'll just be a happy memory in the storage of my mind. No matter what, know that you have brightened my days and changed me for the better.