Ten years ago. My first kiss.
Last night. I see you.
Ten years of brushing lips in passing, downing drinks in bars; never quite fulfilling whatever we’re supposed to be. I’ve never written you a love letter. But J, I’ve loved you since the day you raised your fist to the sky after our first kiss. Like kissing me for the first time in my dark kitchen was a scene out of a movie.
We’ve had our moments, of course, in the last 10 years. Drunken nights getting tangled in college. Last night. Seeing you at the funeral. The time you got in a fist fight.
I think you’ll always be a little bit of my kryptonite. The one at the tips of my fingers but never quite within reach.
Isn’t it crazy how time moves? 10 years of liking you. 10 years of missed connections. 10 years of us... in some form. You’ve always been special to me, J. And I hope I’m likewise to you.
the five of us sat around the craft table, as we usually did when there wasn’t much else to do at youth group besides eat snacks we’d eaten too much of already and play sports we were too tired to play. i got him to laugh a couple times, which made me happy ‘cause when he laughs he looks sorta like a dolphin.
we were sitting next to each other, he and i, and his craft was a crumpled mess. so, i started to help him, and suddenly we were laughing and joking and fumbling thing between two pairs of clumsy hands, and in that moment-
i felt it; it was like, a physical snapping into place of two puzzle pieces that had been trying and trying and failing and failing to fit together for forever.
and suddenly, for the first time in nearly three years, i wasn’t nervous around him anymore. my hands stopped shaking and my words ceased to come out as a stutter or gurgle, and when we talked, i could actually make eye contact.
he has blue eyes, but they’re not JUST blue. they’re, like, the color of that weird but oddly good blue-lemonade from the pizza place downtown, or the color of the sky in late june when elementary school has just let out, or how the ocean looks when you’re standing on the edge of the water and looking out and out and out until it melts into the sky.
he has nostalgia eyes, and when he laughs he looks like a dolphin.
i’m so screwed, aren’t i?
i’m so totally screwed.
you laughed at something i did and i think it was the the most beautiful thing i’ve ever heard
you see me the way i want to see myself.
you love me for reasons that i didn't know existed.
you push me to be a person i didn't know i was capable of.
Ruined my mascara, ruined several songs, ruined my favorite perfume, ruined a lot of things even if only temporarily, but it didn’t ruin me.
I am so glad that I had the guts to ignore all that nervousness and anxiety I felt when I sent you that message five months ago, because otherwise you wouldn't be laying next to me in bed right now.
you're the person who i want to lay on a rooftop with, watching the stars twinkle in the vast universe, reminding us of how small we are and yet so important.
would you do that with me?
I’m in love with you. From the look in your eyes, to the way you notice the little things in my appearance. I love how you strike up a conversation on anything, just so you can talk to me. I love that you remember things I told you months ago, and bring up past memories. I love how you get either excited or nervous when you see me. I just love you.
But I understand that you are in love with someone else. I want you to be happy, regardless of what I think about her... I just don’t believe that it’s real. I know you feel something deep inside, and yet you can’t admit it. Perhaps you wish not to face the consequences, and I’ll never know what happens. To love you means to let you go, though I wish things didn’t have to end this way.
It’s time for me to find the love of my life. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Do you ever look at someone and just think about how beautiful they are? Maybe not to other people. But to you. How their eyes shine like a thousand moons or their smile feels like a million suns.
Do you ever think about someone and immediately smile? Your whole face lights up like the greatest thing has just happened to you. And you just need to shout it to the world.
You aren't perfect, but neither am I. But you're perfect enough for me. We have our faults and aren't perfect like a puzzle piece, but damn if we don't try.
And God, if I could kiss you every day and hold your hand and tell you how important you are, I would.
Maybe you don't paint the stars or spread golden sunlight. But you're so damn beautiful and I just need you to know that.
I just need you to know.
I am so lucky to have you by my side.