Three years ago, on this day, my wife passed away from cancer. She was my everything, as cliched as that sounds. I swear that ever since she's been gone the light doesn't shine quite as bright. I woke up early and walked the couple blocks down to the local park. Her favorite bench is still there under the massive oak, and she would have loved knowing that a family of blue jays has taken up residence there. I sat alone on that bench with my eyes closed tight feeling the sunlight beat down for I don't know how long. Just remembering; grasping at the slowly disappearing threads of that ringing laugh of hers. God her laugh, I miss it so much. She'd laugh at my jokes that even I knew were bad, she always said it was because of the way I would deliver them. These days I still don't know how to start smiling, let alone make jokes. I don't know. I just spend most days lost in myself and felt like I had to tell someone today. I miss you Terra.
I occasionally think back to how many things could have happened to make us not meet.
If our parents, biological and non-biological, hadn't made every single one of the choices that they did, good and bad, we would never have crossed paths. I could have been born 300 years ago and you could have been born five decades into the future. God decided to place us on the same planet, under the same moon and sun at the same time.
I would be a completely different person right now if you were not in my life. However, I've yet to decide if you've made a wonderful or awful impact on me.
To everyone here who's suffering over an unread message; a contact who's ghosting you; a contact that makes you upset and later just tell you to relax:
It's not worth suffering like this. Trust me. If this hurts, you always can make it stop. No one can tell you otherwise! You got this right to set you free! Even if you need to sacrifice this contact. Even if you need to bury this feeling and move on. Even if you become distant. Just take a look and check your situation. It is worth to suffer for that person? You will thank me later. I know that things are much easier said than done, but, we can do it. I did it months ago and I will do it as long it is necessary. I felt so wore out. I was so sick of crying. I was so sick of being hurt. I was so sick of this. That person was draining me emotionally. Drained my love and replaced it with sadness and repulse. I started to think bad of myself. This is the worst thing that somebody can do to you is make you blame yourself, wonder if you are no longer interesting or attractive, think if there is something wrong with you, make you feel like you're the wrong person.
Take this letter as my advice to all of you.
Sometimes I think about you just doing mundane everyday things and I just wish I was there to do everyday things with you. I find so much beauty in the mundane.
He took me kayaking today, and seeing as it was in the high 90's (fahrenheit), I decided to wear a bikini under my tank-top just in case. While we were still at our apartment, I mentioned that I probably won't take off my shirt...seeing as I don't want to be judged by my tummy chub.
Well, while we were out on the water, he said "you're sweating like crazy, just take off the shirt!"
I shook my head timidly, and that's when he took off his own t-shirt. Underneath was one of my bikini tops, which immediately sent me into a fit of giggles. He pulled my kayak to his, and murmured "Now if anyone looks over here, who do you think they're going to be judging the most?"
And that was all the assurance I needed to let the world see me in a bikini.
Get you a man like that.
It's great if you want to tell your crush how you feel but it really isn't necessary if you aren't trying to pursue anything. Sometimes it's just a crush and there are no intentions beyond that and there isn't anything wrong with that. Don't feel pressured into telling your crush how you feel if you really don't want to. You don't have to explain shit to anyone and you don't have to search your soul to figure out why you are crushing on that person. Not every crush is a life-altering, cosmic event. Sometimes a crush is just a crush. No further meaning. Enjoy.
She insists that her eyes are brown. Her drivers license says brown. And in a typical setting, yes, I agree that they look a light brown. She swears by it.
But I live for the moments when she looks at me in just the right light, especially out in the sun, and suddenly her eyes are the brightest forest green I've ever seen in my life.
Not even forest green, really...almost an emerald. I've never been so captivated by anything than I am in those moments.
It's like she's my own secret Aphrodite.
today a boy told me that the first time he heard my voice, he remembered what the piano sounded like in his mother's living room. I think I love him