I had a dream that he was causing problems again, stalking out the places I go and what not. He came in and acted like things were fine but I left because I didn’t want to be around him. I met up with a guy I really liked and we were hanging out and having fun. We were heading to my house and my sister and some other people were meeting us there so we could all hang out there. On my way there, the other one called me and told me that he hung out with a bunch of people I know and that they all liked him. I was so mad I hung up the phone. He texted me saying that he wanted to get back together and I had a full on panic attack I was so upset. We pulled up to the house at the same time as my sister. I told her what he said and she was like “oh my god really? What are we cooking this weekend?!” As if she were excited and thought it called for a celebration. I told her ”i fucking hate you so much.” Because in my mind that meant she didnt believe anything I told her he’d done to me was as bad as it really was. We all went inside and the guy I liked felt really uncomfortable after that so he fell back and sort of distanced himself from me and my sister but he played a song on the guitar and I really wish I could remember it now but I am running late because I overslept. It was an oldies song that doesn’t exist but it was so good. I asked him what it was and he said it was some Elvis song but I know for sure it was just a made up song. I went to break out my voice recorder to try and get him to sing it again but I woke up. I’m so sleep deprived.
All this time and yet still, I love you.
Why do you hold such an imprint in my mind? I don’t even necessarily think it’s a bad thing either - it reminds me of what I had, and what I lost.
update: he did end it. We’re over. On the best terms, he did it for the benefit of me so I wouldn’t get hurt. he cried, I couldn’t, I was numb.
crazy how my first love ended it in October too, two Days after my bday and then the first guy I’d got attached to since also ending it 6 days before my bday.
I love you so much. I hope that you can feel that there is someone who is always sending you love and wishing the best for you. I get upset and cry when we aren't speaking, but I'm never mad at you