I can't fathom the reason why my body still cripples when she shows up on the screen of my phone. Her gaze is the same, as well as her height. Her hair is freshly cut and it draws a sturdy straight line on her back, visible even though her body is moving. How can it be so perfect? I suddenly realize, I've never paid attention to her dancing. It just captivates me, I am enthralled by her movements, her footwork. How have I never noticed it before? Just like that, my heart is pacing while my mind is like not again. Anew, I am dropped into a trap I built myself. I am still holding onto something that used to exist. Something that, genuinely, never existed. Something that, maybe, could've existed. While my neurodivergent brain was trying to process my depression, I saw her as the only light. And to this day I can't let go of the idea I had (and unconsciously have) of her.