I love you so much. You're my soulmate. My bestfriend. but i love you way more than that. i always have. I wish i had a chance with you. to get an even deeper bond. but you're aromantic. loveydovey shit makes you uncomfortable. i dont want to force anything upon you. its not at all your fault you feel this way. but its stopping me from telling you the truth. im sorry for making everything so hard. ily. sorry. -Nyx

hi, lougen! crush po kita :) see u on monday ❤️

I miss you so much I'm not really sure if I can even understand my feelings right now. I'm genuinely sorry for even having thought of liking you more than a friend should I know it's wrong for me to like you. I really miss you it hurts every day to face you and hearing you talk about the guys you like seeing you unintentionally flirt with every other person. I don't know what to do when you hold my hand and hug me so tightly and pretend nothing happened the next moment. This is none of your fault I love you so much you will never know please just let me go.


SO I don't know where to start. Maybe with the fact that this is my first date in like over 8 years because when I started studying I just had no time for a love life and I was convinced I needed no one. Now i'm getting 'old' (26) and I have dreams and felt like it might be time to get on tinder and at least give it an honest try (because i know I can do it on my own, but I also know deep down I really want to be with someone eventhough that's super scary to me because I like counting on myself).

So I've been on Tinder for a couple weeks and matched with a guy. He doesn't reply a lot during the day and he always answers on the same times every day. So he does text back like every day just on the same hour and that's it. He seems okay? Like I did laugh at some of his texts but I don't know much about him really. And suddenly he just asked if I'd wanna meet.

Now guys I am so terrified of men and meeting up with men that I did panic for 24 hours and he followed up with saying if I didn't want to I could say no, it's not a big deal. So green flag??? And then I just thought well I was going to give it an honest shot, I have to stay true to myself. SO I AM MEETING A MAN. I AM MEETING A MAN EVERYONE. That i don't know much about which is scary. But he did tell me again that if I wasn't comfortable he understands and we could wait. SO GREEN FLAG?? Right?

Anyway I got my security locked in place: I'm meeting right in the middle of a big city feast in a park, so there'll be lots of people. My friend is coming to meet me at that park right after and I told him that. So I think i won't get kidnapped. BUT

I need help: what do you do on a date? (we are just going for a walk and it'll be 1 hour) What do you talk about? How do you greet someone?? I haven't been on a date since years and years and that was with my best friend who then I got in a relationship with so I already knew him. I know nothing now. I don't know anything about dating. I NEED HELP because I am lowkey freaking out and really really nervous but I want to give it a shot for myself.

I already am going in with the thought he'll probably just unmatch after and that your first person on a first date probably won't go far so i'm locking in my expectations because I don't want to get burned but I do want to make the most out of this experience and see it as a learning curve for me. Okay I'm doing it but I need ANY ADVICE on this because I am so so so nervous I might throw up. :p

Thank you guys



let go of that idea i had in my head for so long

how to just let you go yk..

i think it’s time i move on i’m just trying to figure out how.

ik you don’t feel the same way i do n tbh it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore but to be fair i try to keep myself distracted lol.

I hate the life I live. So I close my eyes and put my head in the clouds. Daydream of a life I’ll never have.

Hey sweet boy, I’m just wondering if you still have my love letter, if it makes your heart flutter like mine did when I first wrote it. I know you have a girlfriend now, but part of me still wonders if it helps you through the rough days. If it’s still hidden under your lamp because you wanted it to stay private. I wonder if you stay awake at night thinking about me the same way I do about you. If you think about what happened between us. What you did to me. Do you feel bad? Do you even realize the problem? Or do you think I’m just dramatic? I don’t know, but I hope there’s an us in the future. I never thought I’d care so much for a person, but every time I think of you my heart races and my stomach gets filled with butterflies. Every moment we’ve shared constantly on repeat. I wonder if your girlfriend reminds you of me. She shares the same freckles and green blue eyes. She’s brunette with her hair always in braids. Do you get a glimpse of me when you’re with her? Do you sometimes wonder what life would be like if I were in her place? If I hadn’t been such a screw up all these years. Would it be us instead? Do you want it to be us again? I miss you a lot. Everyone is always telling me that you’re no good for me, that you treat me bad, but they never experienced the tender care you gave me when I was in foster care. Or when my dad got arrested. Or when my parents got a divorce. You never saw my trauma as baggage, but as something that made she strong and brave. You once told me that you mean it as truly and sincerely as it gets that you love me and that’s the boy I love. The boy that was just between us. I sometimes wonder if that boy is still inside you, because my boy would never hurt me so bad, but then again I hurt you time and time again. For the most part I blame myself for the treatment you give me. I blame myself for being so rude and distant all those years. You just wanted love, true love and I pulled away every time. I have no real excuse for that. I always felt like you were too good for me. Too perfect and uncorrupted to possibly want to be with me. I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I’m getting the same treatment I gave you all this time. I don’t blame you for probably hating me and thinking I’m annoying. I mean I would too. my best friend says my behavior is excusable because I was young and dumb, but it’s not. I was never fair to you and I never realized how bad it could actually hurt until it happened to me. So for that I’m so sorry. I’m beyond the point of my apology meaning anything, but I mean it so deeply. Once before we stopped talking again, you told me that no matter what happened with us in the past you were never scared of it because you always knew we’d come back to each other and I hope that stands true to this day. I hope in the future we can be something again. Actually not something, but everything. I want our souls to consume each other, but for real this time. I want us to be strong and over come all the hard things together as one. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t even see myself with anyone but you. My best friend says she understands, but I don’t think anyone truly is supportive and understanding. I mean a decent amount of people think I’m crazy for holding on for so long, but I can’t help it. Even though we’ve never had a physical connection I think our deep intellectual connection is worth every second of waiting for you. We’ve talked about things with each other no others know. I don’t need to be your first kiss or anything I just want be your first and last love. I wonder if when people ask you about your first love if you talk about me or some other girlfriend. I’d like to think we still share being each others first loves. Anytime anyone asks me about my first love I go on a long plethora about you and our story. I hope you at least mention me the same. If your perfect girlfriend asks will you say my name or hers? Do I mean as much to you as you do to me? Have you guys talked about me before? I doubt you have, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind. Are you guys going to last or will we find our way back together once more? We’re going into senior year and I don’t want to lose you forever. I genuinely don’t think I can. Every time I picture a world without you, it’s a world I just can’t live in. We don’t need to be romantically involved, I just want my best friend of 6 years back for good. I love and miss you so deeply. -a