I get physically ill when I think about you, you know. That's the truth, too. I get nauseous at the thought of you. And no I'm not just saying that to exaggerate my feelings, that is the absolute truth. And that was the first sign that whatever feelings I had towards you, whatever they were, they weren't good ones. I can see someone driving your same car on the road and it will destroy me when I look to see if it's you, because it never is. Love isn't always good, you know. Love can be extraordinary and wonderful, but that seems to be the contrary for the love I have for you. Love shouldn't make me feel this way. Of course, this isn't only love I'm feeling. I'm caught in a mess of desperation and lost hope. Dreams that I once had that I now know will never come true. That adds to the nausea, I'm sure. As well as the feeling of regret and betrayal. You lied to me. You lied to me about loving me and that was the worst thing you could have ever done. And you did it with no explanation. Assumptions add to this feeling, too. Because they're all I have left if you give no meaning to your actions. Expectations that you might wake me up at 3am with a text showing nothing but three bikini emoji's (because that was our text code for 'call asap') and when I call you answer and you say "come outside" so I do. And you're out there waiting for me in your car, crying of course. Begging for my forgiveness. The worst part of all of this, the part that makes me feel the sickness the most, is that I wouldn't even let you finish your sentence before I forgave you.

I guess that's what my love for you is. Disgusting and toxic, but everlasting.

- cal